This episode opens with Geordi on a date. Aw, Geordi. Your lack of prowess with the ladies is well-documented. And it’s not like you don’t try. I mean, just look at this holodeck program!
Also, look at that sassy knee pop
Geordi, it seems, is on a date with the lady from Doc Hollywood (which also features David Ogden Stiers, who was ALSO on an episode of TNG. TNG IS EVERYTHING, YOU GUYS). He tries to be smooth:
Umbrella drinks: not helping you look manly, LaForge
Unfortunately, Geordi appears to be wearing a top he stole from Medieval Times and some cargo shorts. It is literally impossible to be smooth in that outfit. Even Smoove B would falter in that outfit.
Doc Hollywood Lady, meanwhile, is wearing half a neon pink wetsuit and some sort of hippie skirt, but is not having Geordi’s overtures.
Is she on a date? Or a Prell commercial?
The good news is that her half-wetsuit is apparently made of crepe paper, making it the least-effective half-wetsuit in history.
Geordi knows the date isn’t going well, so he calls in the BIG GUNS:
Girl, I will bring you only the finest of gypsies. There will also be sand
Looks like Geordi did his gypsy research at Epcot Center. I’ve seen less stereotypical depictions of a culture in the Twilight series.
Sadly, the gypsy violin serenade does not succeed in seducing the fair maiden, and Geordi retreats to Ten-Forward to try to drink his cares away:
Give me a shot of urine; I don’t deserve anything better
Guinan, as per uzh, looks fabulous; I am pretty sure this is the same ensemble we see later in the season in Deja Q. I continue to covet this hat:
Also coveting: her flawless skin; not coveting: eyebrowlessness
I don’t care for brown, normally, unless we’re talking about chocolate or UPS guys, but I’m willing to make an exception for that lovely cola-colored sparkly brown spandex out of which Guinan has fashioned her hat.
There’s really only one more fashion item on the list, and that’s the outfit of the guest star, Dr. Leah Brahms. Except it’s not REALLY Dr. Leah Brahms, it’s a holodeck representation of Dr. Brahms that Geordi made based on her personality profile.
See, what had happened was, the Enterprise just won’t go and Geordi, while trying to solve the problem they’re having, accesses Dr. Brahms’ work (she designed the ship). But you’re not here for plot details (and this plot is all one big McGuffin to get Geordi in the holodeck with Dr. Brahms anyway); you can go see Zach Handlen at the Onion for that.
Let’s talk about Dr. Brahms’ look, shall we?
You’ve got some swelling in the hair region
Okay. Let’s start with her hair. Girl. How did you even do that? I am pretty sure she took one of those rings made of weird green foam that florists use and put it under her hair. The back is equally impressive, but we’ll get to that in a second.
That turtleneck. So high! So tight! The Marines are jealous. Then we have what appears to be two competing outfits, battling for supremacy on Dr. Brahms’ body. Will it be the surgical scrubs? Or the Days Inn bedspread? WHO WILL TRIUMPH?
Maybe the white parts are just one big body bandage
At least her sleeves are an appropriate length.
Here is the thing, though: even though this color combo is slightly off (the Days Inn bedspread is much more muted than the scrubs half) and that Days Inn bedspread half is a little too heavy-looking to be clothes, I LOVE THIS SUIT. LOOK AT IT:
Designers, your challenge is “Leaves”
Look at her figure in this thing! She looks like a sexy WWII businesslady who should be romancing Ralph Fiennes in a war zone or, like, advising Captain America on HR procedures. And the back of her hair! She is smuggling Nazi gold in there for sure.
BUT IT GETS BETTER YOU GUYS:
The Peter Pan Collection
Hahahahaha what?! Her tights match her dress EXACTLY. As do her shoes?! Or maybe she put her tights on OVER her shoes in some sort of insane future fashion that sounds as crazy to us as, say, ladies in pants would sound to people 300 years ago. I tried to emulate this the other day by wearing fuchsia Chuck Taylors with fuchsia tights but it only sort of worked.
In any event, the VERY best thing about this outfit is that the producers of the TNG porn parody were able to reproduce it fairly well.
So Geordi and HoloBrahms figure out how to save the ship and everyone on it, flirting and bantering all the while. They do get in a fight at one point:
Nice face, Brahms
But don’t you worry, they make up:
The whole thing is slightly creepy, because this isn’t just a fake person Geordi invented in the holodeck to fulfill his fantasies (as I assume everyone in the 24th century does, constantly). This is a REAL person who is still living in the universe, whom Geordi could eventually meet. AND DOES. But we’ll get to that next week. For now, just revel in that big donut of hair atop her head and dream of a gypsy violin.