Booby Trap – 3.6

This episode opens with Geordi on a date. Aw, Geordi. Your lack of prowess with the ladies is well-documented. And it’s not like you don’t try. I mean, just look at this holodeck program!

Also, look at that sassy knee pop

Geordi, it seems, is on a date with the lady from Doc Hollywood (which also features David Ogden Stiers, who was ALSO on an episode of TNG. TNG IS EVERYTHING, YOU GUYS). He tries to be smooth:

Umbrella drinks: not helping you look manly, LaForge

Unfortunately, Geordi appears to be wearing a top he stole from Medieval Times and some cargo shorts. It is literally impossible to be smooth in that outfit. Even Smoove B would falter in that outfit.

Doc Hollywood Lady, meanwhile, is wearing half a neon pink wetsuit and some sort of hippie skirt, but is not having Geordi’s overtures.

Is she on a date? Or a Prell commercial?

The good news is that her half-wetsuit is apparently made of crepe paper, making it the least-effective half-wetsuit in history.

Geordi knows the date isn’t going well, so he calls in the BIG GUNS:

Girl, I will bring you only the finest of gypsies. There will also be sand

Looks like Geordi did his gypsy research at Epcot Center. I’ve seen less stereotypical depictions of a culture in the Twilight series.

Sadly, the gypsy violin serenade does not succeed in seducing the fair maiden, and Geordi retreats to Ten-Forward to try to drink his cares away:

Give me a shot of urine; I don’t deserve anything better

Guinan, as per uzh, looks fabulous; I am pretty sure this is the same ensemble we see later in the season in Deja Q. I continue to covet this hat:

Also coveting: her flawless skin; not coveting: eyebrowlessness

I don’t care for brown, normally, unless we’re talking about chocolate or UPS guys, but I’m willing to make an exception for that lovely cola-colored sparkly brown spandex out of which Guinan has fashioned her hat.

There’s really only one more fashion item on the list, and that’s the outfit of the guest star, Dr. Leah Brahms. Except it’s not REALLY Dr. Leah Brahms, it’s a holodeck representation of Dr. Brahms that Geordi made based on her personality profile.

See, what had happened was, the Enterprise just won’t go and Geordi, while trying to solve the problem they’re having, accesses Dr. Brahms’ work (she designed the ship). But you’re not here for plot details (and this plot is all one big McGuffin to get Geordi in the holodeck with Dr. Brahms anyway); you can go see Zach Handlen at the Onion for that.

Let’s talk about Dr. Brahms’ look, shall we?

You’ve got some swelling in the hair region

Okay. Let’s start with her hair. Girl. How did you even do that? I am pretty sure she took one of those rings made of weird green foam that florists use and put it under her hair. The back is equally impressive, but we’ll get to that in a second.

That turtleneck. So high! So tight! The Marines are jealous. Then we have what appears to be two competing outfits, battling for supremacy on Dr. Brahms’ body. Will it be the surgical scrubs? Or the Days Inn bedspread? WHO WILL TRIUMPH?

Maybe the white parts are just one big body bandage

At least her sleeves are an appropriate length.

Here is the thing, though: even though this color combo is slightly off (the Days Inn bedspread is much more muted than the scrubs half) and that Days Inn bedspread half is a little too heavy-looking to be clothes, I LOVE THIS SUIT. LOOK AT IT:

Designers, your challenge is “Leaves”

Look at her figure in this thing! She looks like a sexy WWII businesslady who should be romancing Ralph Fiennes in a war zone or, like, advising Captain America on HR procedures. And the back of her hair! She is smuggling Nazi gold in there for sure.

BUT IT GETS BETTER YOU GUYS:

The Peter Pan Collection

Hahahahaha what?! Her tights match her dress EXACTLY. As do her shoes?! Or maybe she put her tights on OVER her shoes in some sort of insane future fashion that sounds as crazy to us as, say, ladies in pants would sound to people 300 years ago. I tried to emulate this the other day by wearing fuchsia Chuck Taylors with fuchsia tights but it only sort of worked.

In any event, the VERY best thing about this outfit is that the producers of the TNG porn parody were able to reproduce it fairly well.

So Geordi and HoloBrahms figure out how to save the ship and everyone on it, flirting and bantering all the while. They do get in a fight at one point:

Nice face, Brahms

But don’t you worry, they make up:

Kissing practice

The whole thing is slightly creepy, because this isn’t just a fake person Geordi invented in the holodeck to fulfill his fantasies (as I assume everyone in the 24th century does, constantly). This is a REAL person who is still living in the universe, whom Geordi could eventually meet. AND DOES. But we’ll get to that next week. For now, just revel in that big donut of hair atop her head and dream of a gypsy violin.

Wesley Sweater Genius.

shutup-wesley:

wonkawarden:

THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU UPLOAD A PIC OF YOUR WESLEY CRUSHER SWEATER!

THIS PERSON IS THE COOLEST ^^^^^^^^

I can’t tell if this person is a genius or completely insane. It’s such a thin line. 

Happy Birthday, Frakes!

Happy Birthday to our favorite ladies’ man, seen here acting his face off in “Frame of Mind”. Jonathan Frakes, your Twitter feed makes me think you are maybe now a hilarious grandpa-type, but I will always think of you in silky blue PJs. With a beard, obviously.

Datalore – 1.12

I was inspired by Anna’s goldmine of unearthed season one episodes that I delved into an episode that introduces one of the characters that actually terrified me as a child: Data’s twin brother Lore. What I wasn’t prepared for was that there was a whole fucking backstory that I had never known about, probably because it’s terrible and doesn’t actually make sense. I gave one shot at trying to put it in simple terms here and failed miserably, so the intensely curious can go read the article on Memory Alpha. 

Double unfortunately, there weren’t a ton of fashions in this ep, but there were a couple worth noting. The most exciting is a Wesley sweater that we actually already saw but since Anna was dealing with a LOT of other things (like all the shades of beige), I figured we could take another look at this outfit.

What’s… happening… to… me…?

I think the first thing that we need to discuss is that this is in fact NOT a sweater, but some sort of cruel futuristic bustier for young men who want to hide their hideous upper bodies, but want to accentuate their slim, lady-like waist and have a giant arrow pointing at their crotchal region. Seriously, that… waistband((?)) is grasping Wes’ sides harder than that shellac that Romulans so charmingly refer to as their hair. Also, that waistband is pleated. Also also, I’ve only ever seen that method of fabric gathering they’re using just above the waistband employed in one other instance:

Uh-oh. Spaghetti-no.

It’s fine for chefs, but for a teenager who is doing a grown-up’s job (like steering a starship)? I don’t think so. I’m also starting to wonder if Wil Wheaton didn’t have one of those freakishly long torsos, like Michael Phelps or those aliens from Attack of the Clones. Because I can never really figure out what’s going on with these high waists.

Riker: all shoulders. He stole Wesley’s, apparently.

It really looks like at some point, someone considered that maybe this outfit should be made inflatable. Part of me has to wonder if, since parachute pants were going through their renaissance at this time, the costume designer thought that, maybe someday, the trend would reverse and parachute tops would come in vogue.

Okay, so we have a puffy top, pleated, pointed waist… what next? How about an unnecessary design element? It is the future after all.

They won’t recognize him as a child unless he’s wearing some deadened colors.

This seems to be another growing trend: the marrying of two garments to produce a new, futuristic garment. I’m not sure if it’s actually working, but I like to see that whomever had to execute this outfit felt the same way. What’s with that shoulder? Not enough time to sew it to the sleeve before shooting started? Of course, one might assume that this outfit would be symmetrical, because, you know, human bodies are symmetrical. But nope:

It’s like a 10-car pileup, but with stripes.

Actually, that’s kind of hard to see. ZOOM AND ENHANCE!

I can’t tell… does this mean they care, or that they really don’t?

Listen guys, in the FUTURE there are ANGLES and OVERLAPPING FABRICS and NO ONE CAN HOLD YOU BACK. Part of me has to wonder if Wesley’s sweaters were the fashion equivalent of a free write: just put ideas down and don’t edit them. Except then, instead of hiding that writing away where no one will see it, they put it on a nationally syndicated television show.

Now all we’re missing is a pretty inconvenient fastening method. How is he supposed to get into this giant fabric zeppelin?

Opens along the neck for easy space-vampire access.

Really, guys? A neck/shoulder opening? Have you no shame? Have you no mercy? Considering how obvious you made the zippers on Wes’ later outfits, you went through a lot of trouble to make it look like he put this on by swaddling him in it as a baby and letting his body grow into it over a period of fifteen years.

All I can say is mad props to Wil Wheaton for being able to stay focused amidst all this. Case in point:

Always a professional, eyes on the job, not on the stems.

Anyway, before I end up writing a dissertation on this outfit, we can take a quick look at the other quick fashions. First, we know how Anna feels about Beverly’s Season 1 hair, but I will say there was one nice moment where she did a quick head turn:

WERK!

Too bad she’s wearing that huge, bulky doctor’s coat. Let’s take a closer look at that for a hot second:

I’m blue, a-boo-dee, a-boo-dah.

What’s with those thick seams along the collar, shoulder, and randomly 1/4 of the way down the upper arm? I feel like they gave her something a little more streamlined later on, when they realized that the aesthetic for the future should be more aerodynamic. These thick seams suggest that the whole thing is made out of that cheap fabric you find in Chinatown knockoffs of Old Navy Fleece with tags that try and convince you that “inflammable” means “not flammable”. Anyway, Lore apparently feels the same as I do:

FASHION ARSON!

That’s two eps in a row with burning clothes! Rock!

We’re treated to some nice Season 1 Worf stylings here in this ep too:

Garnet and Gold are actually my new school colors. This is not a joke, just information.

I had an epiphany actually while I was looking at this, thinking that the woven metal sash with a fringe suggests that Worf is some sort of metal/sci-fi/cowboy hybrid… which is kind of what a Klingon is. 

Anywho, Lore:

I think the thing I found most creepy about him as a kid was that Data never smiled, and Lore always had this sassy, slightly dirty smile… and inflection in his voice. Inflection… *shiver*. Plus he’s so evil! I tried to find a good list of evil robots online, which would necessarily include Lore and the Robot Devil from Futurama, but no dice (one list tried to convince me that “HAL-3000” was a robot, but that’s incorrect, he’s an evil computer… get it right, internet). 

Here’s Lore’s getup.

Mustard vs. Camel… FIGHT!

Lore looks like he’s dressed how the 1970s envisioned the professors of the future might dress. It’d almost be a nice trench, except that if we backup a few frames we realize that no one on the enterprise would be allowed to wear something as nice as a trench coat:

JUMPSUIT’D!

Once again, the fashions of the 24th Century seem intent on giving anyone not in a Starfleet uniform the biggest, boxiest waist and hips possible. Between that and the color, it’s no wonder that Lore was so evil.

Last, but not least, every posatronic Soongian android comes, of course, with assembly required:

Unfortunately, the assembly instructions for LØR are in Swedish.

It’s nice to know that the technology of creating body matches will have improved by the time Six Feet Under rolls around, because someone put way too much shine on Lore’s head:

It’s like looking into a shiny, badly-coiffed reflection of myself.

I mean, I guess they weren’t even really trying that hard, seeing as how the noses and chins are completely off. Oh well. I think what we’re all really concerned with is this:

Default position is clench?

Aaaaaaand I’m done.

True.

Another fabulous contribution from @jnd3001, who sez: ”I was considering “fuck the police” but it’s not as Guinan-ey.” And it’s true, the haters are going to hate.

Thanks to The Daily What for clueing me in to the ultimate in Wedding Fashion (you’ll have to wait for it).

3.22 – The Most Toys

I don’t know if we have a policy about log-rolling, but real quick before we dive in, this post is dedicated to my beloved co-blogger Anna Marquardt and her merry band of theater peeps who are THIS VERY EVEN’ opening a show in the New York International Fringe Festival, The Bobbed-Haired Bandit. If you’re in NYC, you should DEFINITELY check it out! Dates, times, locales, and more info are here: http://www.thebobbedhairedbanditmusical.com/ or I suppose here: http://www.facebook.com/bobbedhairedbandit. Anyway. Go! See! Enjoy!

Second off, we have to give a hat tip to Brian Rubin (@brianrubin) for suggesting this ep… and what a doozy it was! As I watched it the second time to grab the images I needed, I started wondering if this wasn’t a really well-textured, deeply layered episode. There certainly were a lot of layers and textures in the clothes. WAY-OH!

So this episode starts off with the Enterprise buying some hytritium to deal with a tricyanate problem on some planet somewhere. But because this hytritium is really unstable, they have to buy it from this guy:

Sure, he looks like a schlemiel now, but you should’ve seen him at his space Bar Mitzvah… such a punum!

Throughout this episode, I kept wondering why they were trading with this guy and not the Ferengi, but, well, I guess the Ferengi just weren’t Jewwy enough. Or gay enough. They’re definitely trying to work some sort of spoiled, Jewish man-child who “never married for some reason. Look at the rings on his fingers! Look at these hand gestures:

Awww SNAP. Also: are those eyebrow extensions?

Anyway, girlfriend likes his FIIINERY. We’ll get more into his outfit later. The reason he’s important is because he KIDNAPS DATA WTF.

So is that what a placenta looks like? (Actually, I’ve seen one IRL and THEY ARE WAY GROSSER.)

This looks like something that would normally only be seen in a high-roller’s suite in a third-rate Vegas casino… and in fact, if Fajo existed in the real world, that’s probably what he’d be doing with his life (actually, data refers to his hucksterism about four minutes after this shot).

But what is he doing here?

Why do I feel like I’m in an AMC movie theater circa 1998?

Oh, Data, that’s simply because YOU ARE! Those crazy light fixtures on the wall were definitely in the AMC Van Ness 14 when I was in High School. So technically, with this episode airing in 1990, either the TNG interior design department was ahead of its time, or the AMC design department was woefully behind. Probably both.

Anyway, Data discovers he’s part of Fajo’s “collection”, which looks a little like this:

EVERYTHING MUST BE DISPLAYED ON CUBES. BECAUSE IT’S THE FUTURE.

Really, this room is super unappealing in color… it’s like they found the gray version of beige. Hey, though, that orange vase is pretty ugly, right? Oh, and a Dalí. That’s how Fajo points to it in the episode, actually, just saying “Dalí” like it’s NBD. I feel kind of bad for the production design department on TNG, needing to come up with priceless objects and works of art from make-believe cultures. Anyway, FASHION.

This may or may not be the Galactic Horah.

For reasons passing understanding, Fajo (and everyone on his ship) wears breeches. (Anna would have known the name of this straight-up, but I of course had to do research). I don’t even know if there’s a specific name for these kind of breeches, but man, oh, man do they look weird. Plus, Fajo insists on wearing an item of clothing whose color I believe can only be described charitably as “Zinfandel”. LBR, “Purple Breeches” is my new band name.

I’m not into stereotypes, but that is one limp wrist.

The other element that runs rampant through Fajo’s mandated wardrobe is diagonals. I kind of want to believe that that sash was a botched prototype of Worf’s, but I bet in actuality it’s Fajo hoping that those diagonal stripes are slimming. Looking at that left sleeve, it looks like this outfit is tight and loose in all the wrong places. Even that belt isn’t the same width all the way around. Also, I think my grandma has that brooch he’s wearing. Baga (that’s what I call my grandma) might be able to pull it off, but Fajo… not so sure.

Space Yarmulke.

What more can really be said here? It matches his outfit, it’s shiny, beaded and I bet you 2,000,000 Wulongs that it’s imprinted with something like this:

Okay, well, actually, it would probably be like this:

Lucida handwriting will survive until the 24th Century. Sorry, Universe.

Fajo’s right-hand lady has some big hair and some equally crazy clothes.

There must be a wormhole holding this thing together, because this outfit is definitely from two different quadrants, amirite or amirite?

First of all, opposite ends of the color wheel, so we’re already off to a good start. Then we have the whole, “oh this arm doesn’t need a sleeve!” I’m trying to think under what circumstances that would be an all helpful. Maybe when sitting sideways next to a campfire? One-handed baking? What kind of tan lines would this create? It’s not a farmer tan, it’s a… crazy-ass tan is what it is. Also, diagonal-cut sleeve. That I’m not so mad at. Plus, she has nice upper arms. If you’ve got ‘em, etc.

Forced breeches.

Also, she’s being required to wear one of those tapered belts. Also also, if you notice her right sleeve, it also has a diagonal cut and then another “hint” of that glorious purple fabric. Here, check this out (and take a gander at that belt):

Breeches really don’t do any favors for the ass, do they? Or do they?

What I don’t get is why her hair is so big. OMG I started doing research for comparison hair, and I was thinking of Lainie Kazan (specifically I was remembering her in The Big Hit, but she’s also appeared probably more memorably in My Big Fat Greek Wedding.) and then I happened upon this gem of a photograph of Lainie Kazan with Saul Rubinek, who plays Kivas Fajo…

…IN A FILM CALLED OY VEY! MY SON IS GAY! It stars Carmen Electra, Jai Rodriguez (who you may remember from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, ‘sup 2003!), and BRUCE VILANCH who plays a character without a last name, “Max”.

Needless to say this is already saved in my Netflix queue. But you can see what I’m talking about with that hair, right? Big and Jewish!

Where was I? Oh yes. Data. Fajo hates his star fleet uniform and so he throws some acid on him to burn it off.

Fashion Arson!

This is the part of the episode which seals Fajo’s queerness for me, because he states that he’d be delighted if Data would just go around naked. “I assume you have no modesty.” And then of course there’s the episode where Data dates a girl and states that he’s “anatomically equipped” or something weird like that. (Note from Anna: it’s “fully functional”, and it’s in The Naked Now.) Now I’m just wondering whether, uh, the elements used for the drapes match, er, the composites used for the carpet.

So what is this magical outfit that data will be wearing?

That’s right, Data, you should look concerned.

More diagonals, which in this outfit seems to make Data’s torso look extra long. Of course, this lavender-gray combination makes almost no sense to me, and the loose sleeves again are confusing. I don’t even really understand how he put this on. Maybe the gray things are REALLY HIGH WAISTED pants? Why would you do that?

This is my favorite part of the episode, where Data is staring at the Mona Lisa.

He’s either trying to replicate the expression on her face, or seduce her, I can’t tell which.

I will say that slightly more open collar on that shirt is making Brent’s neck look real long.

Unfortunately, for those things that might be pants:

They come up to that weird mid-abdominal region that only really serves to diminish his pecs and accentuate his paunch (and he doesn’t even really have one, until he put on those pants). The thick lip of those pants are just so weird! It looks like he’s growing out of them, as if they were some sort of pod! Podpants! 

The only other major fashion comes from Fajo’s frenemy, Palor Toff, and man, this guy is fashion.

Get me all the putrid green fabric in the alpha quadrant!

This this is basically a luxurious bathrobe, which, I guess if you were a vaguely affected, über-rich collector of stuff, is exactly what you’d wear. Of course, it’s more than just that.

Either that’s the 24th-Century version of a nose-piercing OR it’s the most disgusting booger the galaxy has ever seen. Reader’s choice!

Actually, more disgusting to me is the little hint of chest hair at the base of that low-cut v-neck that screams “pedophile”. The chin-nostrils are pretty gross, too. The ribbed collar on the other hand is almost a nice touch, though really, it belongs on a woman about a fifth of this guy’s size. 

What is this I don’t even.

That little hand gesture was a pretty great touch by guest star Nehemiah Persoff. And that patterning on the darker green panels gives this otherwise hideous outfit some nice texture. Of course, the two of them standing next to each other is another color wheel violation, but I guess I should be  used to that by now.

Anyway, that’s basically it for the Fashion. At some point, Data and the chick try to escape, and we get a shot of another one of Fajo’s dudes’ outfits:

Diagonals, BUT NOW WITH SHOULDERPADS! I mean, it was the ’80s after all.

At least those two gray colors go together. A bit. Speaking of gray:

What do we do with our hands?

For reasons beyond understanding, I love this shot. And I still don’t understand why waists are so high in the 24th Century. And wow, they never quite got Wesley’s crotch right, did they?

Two more shots: when the Enterprise gets to the planet with the tricyanate problem, here’s what the previously-poisoned-now-fixed water supply looks like:

I’m pretty sure this was shot on-site at the Kabuki Hot Springs in San Francisco’s Japantown.

And then, as I was fast-forwarding through this scene, I got another great pause-grab of one of the crew’s face, this time Beverly:

This one is begging for a meme treatment, @jnd3001.

Later, nerds!

Is this?

Yes, iPhoto. Yes it is.

Thank you!

Thank you, @jnd3001. You are right about Deanna in this episode. She was super-high to let that rando dude keep wearing that all-green ensemble.

Angel One – 1.14

Oh, first season. I literally do not understand how you got made at all, much less were allowed to stay on television. I mean, THANK GOD you did, but let’s be real: YOU CRAZY. In this bananas episode, the crew goes searching for some lost guys on a planet run by women. Spoiler alert: there’s boning, and I don’t mean the kind in a corset.

But first, let’s address something:

Assault with a deadly sideburn

So pointy!! This isn’t new information, it’s just a really nice shot of Data’s hair.

But lest you think this episode is one of those where I just talk about everyone’s hair, FRET NOT, fair reader. Because soon, we are treated to this majestic creation:

Do you want to join our German techno band

Oh yes. We’ve seen a LOT of jumpsuits around here and this is Top Five material right here. First of all, it might actually be made of fiberglass. I hope you’re wearing appropriate undies, Wesley and Vaguely Asian Friend! Second, that waistline is in a place that somehow accentuates Wesley’s Ken Doll-like crotch region. But the real gem, I think, are the Olivia Newton-John headbands, because somehow V.A.F. actually looks kind of cool (I SAID KIND OF) while Wesley, as per usual, looks like a proto-Justin Bieber but with less interesting hair. I can definitely see the Biebs running in this manner:

They worked on their triple axels for HOURS that day

But this is not even the A plot! This is just Wesley and V.A.F. kickin’ it. The A plot involves this LadyPlanet, run by a council of six “mistresses” and headed by this foxy thing:

Not Teri Garr

I recently got bangs, and everyone has been like “GURL THOSE BANGS” and all I have to say to this lady, whose name is Beata, is “girl. Those bangs :(” So present, but also so wispy, and also maybe you sprayed your hairspray RIGHT in the middle to create a sort of hair flower that just looks weird.

Now, the thing about LadyPlanet (okay, it’s called Angel I) is that because it’s run by women, the men are the submissive ones and also are very wee. Now, I personally have nothing against a wee man, but when you dress them like this, well:

FIERCCCCCE

I mean, there is just really a lot going on here. Just to get this out of the way: shoulder wings. I don’t think there’s much more to say there. Beata and her colleague, Ariel, are both wearing what appear to be some interesting watercolor-inspired prints that I actually really like. Nice colors with just enough pizzazz.

Then there’s Trent. Yes, that guy’s name is Trent because OF COURSE HIS NAME IS TRENT. Trent, as required by the mores of this lady-run society, is rocking a traditional low-cut blouse in a silver lame that I’m sure Lwaxana Troi would covet were she here. But that’s not all, folks:

Tyra would be proud

Fierce posing, Trent! And cute leggings. And I think I got that belt with my Get In Shape, Girl set, along with my pink sweatband and 1 lb. hand weights.

But it’s not just Trent. This is, like, male style on LadyPlanet:

He uses V05 Hot Oil for sure

Are those pants VELOUR?! With ribbon detailing, just like Trent’s? What I’m wondering is whether these outfits are supposed to be sexy or demeaning. Or both, like any Halloween costume ever.

On the other hand, this is what the ladies wear:

Snooze

Grey. Bleh. The shoulder wings are there to keep me awake, but otherwise this is basically an Ambien in outfit form.

I’m sure there is a whole world of sociological exploration we could do about what it means to be masculine and feminine and how one’s dress affects how you are perceived, etc. But let’s just laugh at this guy’s clothes:

Mustardseed? Or Peasblossom?

I mean, the man is wearing mint green leggings with a ribbon to define his junk.

The reason the Enterprise is even on this planet is that they stumbled on this freighter that crashed, and are looking for any survivors. The leader is like “we won’t tell you if they’re here” which obviously means that they ARE there, but they decide to keep the away team on ice for a second.

This is still early enough on that Data acts weird occasionally. The thing is, this is not really one of those times, but the rest of the team thinks it is.

These have always brought me luck

He investigates this perfume by smelling it. I don’t know about you guys, but that’s…kind of what you do with perfume? Smell it? But Deanna thinks he’s being a silly android. Then they all leave and for no real reason:

I want to smell like cinnamon buns

Mini-Conan O’Brien here is just really enjoying that perfume. At least it’s not Axe Body Spray, AMIRITE LADIES?!?!

Meanwhile, Beata is standing arms akimbo in various ways:

Nip slips are de rigeur

I really do like her top.

Riker, being Riker, is like “a HA! A LadyPlanet. I shall bone one, or possibly several, of these ladies.” In order to do this, he requests some traditional garb of the planet:

Domo arigato

Look, Will, I know you’re skeptical about what looks like a green shiny kimono, but if you’d just put it on, you’d see that –

BAHAHAHAHAHA

…okay, so maybe this isn’t Riker’s best look ever. With the reverse-Little Mermaid color scheme and the extreme level of shiny on the top, his chest forest looks a little out of place. (Though not unwelcome, bokayyyyy?)

Deanna just peed herself

That fabric! I want either a canopy bed with a curtain of it, or a 1970s muumuu. It might be paisley. I think I’m in love.

Yar is here, too, and she’s into it:

Nice thighs, Commander

But this outfit isn’t intended to impress these gals, as evidenced by their reaction:

Oh, how they laughed

No, this outfit is for Mistress Beata, whose bangs are even more floral now:

Green lame makes me horny

And then, inevitably:

I still got it

Did anyone not see this coming? I mean, it’s Riker on a planet of ladies. That’s like throwing me down a well full of cookies. One of them – at least – is getting eaten.

Meanwhile, the away team is looking for platinum, because it’s not naturally-occurring on this planet, and the guys they’re looking for would have had some. They find them, like, REALLY easily.

Welcome to my man-cave, brah

Here they meet some sort of Poor Man’s Richard Dean Anderson who is rocking sort of a post-apocalyptic Western motorcycle gang thing.

And a sweet sweet mullet

That jacket is no joke. Those patches started as elbow patches, but they realized this guy was too badass and they grew into ARM CHAPS.

Maybe more like a Poor Man’s Ricky Schroeder

Arm chaps made of what appears to be python skin. Bad. Ass.

Meanwhile, in Beata’s chamber, exactly what you thought was happening is happening:

Sorry about that lamp, trypophobia sufferers

She put on her best burgundy Seduction Sack for this date, because you know that shit ain’t stayin’ on for long anyway!!

But then Trent rolls in with a meditation crystal:

It’s the pink, isn’t it? You hate me because you hate pink

This crystal’s function isn’t super-clear to me, but I’m going to go ahead and assume it’s something freaky, because:

Boner alert

WHY IS THAT RIGHT THERE IN THE MIDDLE? Guys, that is going to be in your way in like two seconds. Unless it does something freaky. In that case, carry on.

So it turns out that the guys who escaped from the shuttle really like Angel I as a planet, but the society is not cool towards men, so they established a hideout in the woods (they’ve been on the planet for 7 years, by the by). Some of them have hooked up with local ladies who feel the same, and have even produced little hipster-looking offspring:

My room on turntable.fm is blowing up, you guys

Most scandalous of all is that Beata’s right-hand woman is fraternizing with the main survivor dude, PMRDA:

Protect me, FauxGyver

This looks like a poster for a Lifetime Original movie.

The crew of the Enterprise can’t really do anything about these guys, since they’re not Federation, so they’re just kind of like, “uh…bye.”

Riker and Beata are still at it:

Seduction Sack: works every time

Or possibly not at it yet? Why are your clothes on? In any event, Trent comes back (oh, Trent) and tells her that the survivor guys have NOT been located (since the Enterprise crew is under no obligation to tell them) and she is like “fine, they’re going to be executed.” SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

Also, by the way, this whole time? On the Enterprise, some sort of crazy sickness is spreading. I haven’t mentioned it to this point because everyone is just wearing uniforms and it is the WORST B PLOT EVER. It literally has nothing to do with the A plot, and it’s boring. I’m not expecting Curb Your Enthusiasm levels of “it all comes together” here, I’m just expecting a parallel or an echo or something. But no. It’s just like “the crew is sick, it came from a snowball, oh wait now they are well.”

Anyway, I’m mentioning this now because we get to see JLP in a rare moment of powerlessness and also shirtlessness:

Looks like you need treatment, if you know what I mean

Mmmm, more chest forest. Beverly, we have talked about your season 1 hair before and I’m not going to address it anymore. Too dark, too feathered, see you in season 3.

Back on Angel I, the survivors are located (because Beata figures out that her pal is sleeping with the leader), and brought in for “justice,” though I’m not super-sure what they did? I guess they’re just rabble-rousers, like Jesus.

PMRDA and his crew are mostly in brown:

It’s all we could find in the caves

As Suri Cruise recently noted, brown is not a color, but they were living in caves so I guess they get a pass. This guy, however, TOP HONORS:

Is this what tripping looks like? I don’t do drugs

This fabric was almost certainly purchased at a Jo-Ann’s fabrics in the remnants box, but somewhere in Iowa, there is a quilt that incorporates it. Someone’s grandma loved this print.

Werq

Nothing to say here, just some really incredible posing.

So the fugitive survivors are going to be executed by way of dematerialization. There is some arguing and some more boring-ass guards:

Top by Floormats Plus

What stinks is that the other ladies’ outfits are in general, pretty cute:

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This old thing? Just my executionin’ dress

Those tie-dyeing children must be around here

So Beata is like “we’re gonna kill them” and Riker is like “beam them up!” and Crusher is like “everyone here is still sick because of that stupid-ass B plot!” and Riker is like “dang!” and Beata is like “ok wait maybe we won’t kill them” and Crusher is like “all clear” and Riker is like “let’s go!” and Beata is like “yeah, okay, they can live.” And PMRDA is into that.

My arm chaps will encircle you

And Riker, with another notch in his virtual bedpost, once again respects the woman he banged with such ease:

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