We join the Enterprise this episode as they are preparing to retrieve a young ruler from the planet where she’s been living her whole life to take her back to her home planet. The exile planet looks like this:
He who smelt it, etc.
However, the lady they are picking up and her governess look totally normal, not like people who would enjoy living on what appears to be a sulfurous gas cloud:
First of all: YES. Another bonkers jumpsuit. We’ll address more specifics later, but for now, just focus on the silhouette. Why is the waist in such a weird place? Why are there so many pleats around her hips? Is she wearing matching shoes or is this a footie pajamas? And then there’s her lady-in-waiting, who’s also just dripping in fabrics:
Don’t you look at Picard like that
The fall color palette does suit them both nicely, I suppose, but Frog Lady looks like she wishes she had hair and tried to make a wig out of spandex. Princess Salia’s top has an interesting neckline, but what’s with the chestplate? Maybe it’s a chastity belt that only works for second base. First base? I don’t know what the bases are.
Salia is also rocking a half-pony with:
3-pack for $4.99 at Walgreens
…a Goody barrette. I almost called it a Sam Goody barrette, but I guess that would be, like, a CD. And it looks like SOMEONE’S a fan of the Topsy Tail.
So the princess heads off to her quarters, and who should espy her in the hallway but young Wesley Crusher:
Buh buh buh buh
She gives him one of these:
Her whole life is a Cover Girl ad
And he responds with one of these:
Neither his face, slack-jawedness, or mock turtleneck deter the lovely Salia, however, and she stops to chat for a moment:
Not an awkward convo at all
She’s all like “that’s a magnet” and he’s all “yes” and then she’s like “this is how magnets work” and he is probably like, trying to use that magnet as a boner shield. However, governess lady is not having it:
I like how Riker is like “ooooooh, you’re in troubllllllleeee.” But it’s okay, Wesley apparently was charming enough to warrant another over-the-shoulder glance:
Enjoying the view
Recall, however, that this young lady has been raised in isolation, and Wesley is the first living thing around her age that she’s seen. She is the Frederick to his Ruth (Pirates of Penzance reference, what WHAAAAAAT).
So of course, Wes is like “nailed it” and goes to make sure his outfit looks good:
Guess what, Wesley: you never look good. Just do the best you can with that weird, possibly foam-rubber jumpsuit. (As always, Wesley Crusher does not equal Wil Wheaton. I mean…you guys have seen The Guild, right? WATCH THE GUILD YOU GUYS HE IS PRETTY SEXY IN IT)
Oh, and even though I knew this was a second-season episode, I saw this and barfed everywhere:
If there’s one thing I wish today’s digital technology could do, it’s fix the second season so that Pulaski never appears in it. That, or play “Brick House” every time I walk into a room.
Let’s talk a little bit more about governess lady:
One thing that’s not immediately apparent in some of the other shots is this vest. I’m sort of into it, maybe? It reminds me a little bit of this coat that my current favorite for Project Runway season 9 (based solely on his name) Gunnar Deatherage shows in his casting video in that it’s sort of swingy and big and has a lot of movement. But that swim cap has got to go.
It actually turns out that EVERYTHING has got to go, including her face and body, because the next time we see her, she is no longer a frog lady:
She laughed her ass off, literally
I don’t know what sort of optical illusion is occurring to make her look like she has no butt. She totally has a butt:
And also slashes? Across her thigh?
Skin is in
And also some weird chest cutaways, and what appears to be a fabric snake on each forearm, and also she is Shelly the waitress!
She’s quite pretty, even with that very elaborate side-updo and the jumpsuit that now in close-up is revealed to be some sort of boucle and/or felted situation. Her brows are porn-worthy. But this makes me wonder: if you could look like Madchen Amick all the time, why would you ever want to look like Frog Lady? Seriously, there are not many people who could pull this off:
Even she’s having trouble
But then it turns out that, oh, guess what, she doesn’t look like that normally either, because she changes into:
I call this one “Nightmare Fuel”
Sure. A creepy faux-Ewok with barnacle eyes. THAT’S A THING, SURE. But Salia seems okay with it:
Usually I would say KISS HER but…no
Do you think the beds on the Enterprise can be programmed to match your sheets to your outfit? And why isn’t this technology currently available to me?
Meanwhile, Wesley is fucking shit up in Engineering:
Wesley is having trouble concentrating because of all the boner juice flowing through his young body, and makes some mistakes. Geordi, ever sensible, tells him to just go talk to the girl.
On the one hand, fine. Wesley’s got a case of the butterfingers, nothing too urgent is needed, and he goes home. But if everyone in the world took, like, horny days off of work, what would we get done? Nothing. Maybe we would make, like, some post-coital waffles. That’s pretty much it. Downfall of society due to boner juice.
With his time off, Wesley decides to query some trusted crew friends about how to approach the girl he likes. First, Worf:
Fix yo grill, son
Klingon mating calls are terrifying, especially to young Crusher:
Wesley is like “uh no thank you,” but it’s too late; Worf is already off on some Klingon fantasy that probably involves swords and definitely poetry:
Nightmare Fuel 2
Salia and her metamorphosing companion are still chilling in their quarters when Picard calls, so Frog Lady/Shelly/Poor Man’s Ewok runs to hide:
I just think this is funny.
She (he?) shifts back into her known form, Frog Lady:
I’m bald underneath
I just noticed that the fabric snakes on Shelly’s forearms are echoed here on Frog Lady’s head. The arm placement worked a lot better, girl. Also: is that headpiece made of a bath mat? I say yes.
Frog Lady’s main job is to keep Salia safe, and for whatever reason, she considers Wesley a threat, though he is a tiny manchild.
Wesley, for his part, is still doing research into how to talk to girls, so he goes to the Enterprise’s answer to Mystery, William Riker:
Son, you have a lot to learn. First: beards
Will shows Wesley some of his technique on Guinan, who is far too wise to be taken in by such nonsense, but willing to play along:
Tell me you love my hat
What I like about Guinan is how cohesive everything is. The fabric on the sleeves matches the hat, everything is related color-wise, but not too related, and also her hat may or may not be able to hold a whole pizza.
At this point, Wesley realizes that no one on the ship is better at scoring tail than Riker, and goes to make his move.
Who’s at my door?
Green light for Wesley
Kinda creepy, dude
Wesley shows her how to use the food replicator, which basically entails him saying “You tell it what you want, and the replicator makes it.” No romantic baking-cookies-together montages in the future! Sad. They order some chocolate mousse, but apparently, no spoon:
Settle down, everyone. I know this is TOO STEAMY.
Meanwhile, Frog Lady and Worf are walking around the ship and Frog Lady finds out that someone has some sort of contagious disease. She demands that the patient be killed to protect Salia:
Kill the doctor instead, I say
All I know is I want pants made of that blanket, and then I want to go to Vegas.
So Frog Lady is like “KILL THE PATIENT” and Pulaski, in a rare display of common sense, is like “uh…no,” so Frog Lady turns into THIS THING:
Poor Man’s Wookiee
Haha, what? I don’t mean to disparage the work of Michael Westmore and his team here, but guys. Yes, this thing is scary because it’s, like, huge, but also it is really hilarious-looking and clearly was rented from Hal’s Halloween Superstore.
Pulaski calls for security backup, and who appears?
They call me Ensign Tibbs
Circa 1966 Sidney Poitier here shows up WITH CAPTAIN PICARD, which seems a) unnecessary and b) unlikely, as they literally appear, like, ONE second after Pulaski calls for backup. Also arriving:
Two security guys who apparently traveled here via wind tunnel, based on their hair.
At this point, everyone is like “um Frog Lady is KIND OF DANGEROUS” and she is restricted to her quarters. Salia, however, is off on the holodeck with Wesley:
I feel like we’re the only people in the wo—oh wait
Now, this girl is pretty and young and I am SURE her booty is just fine. But this jumpsuit is doing NOTHING for her. This is a severe case of pancake butt, and I am sorry, girl.
After their asteroid visit, they go to Ten-Forward, where Guinan’s outfit is still great:
More chocolate mousse, guys? You’ll spoil your dinner
Seriously, what is Guinan wearing? It’s like a half-shirt-with-partial-sleeve, and I kind of love it:
She ain’t even need eyebrows to raise them
Is it a kimono? With a very thick taffeta…shirt? Is that a shirt? With a single raglan sleeve? Where are the fasteners? How long does it take to put on/take off? All good questions that I may never know the answers to. Let’s just enjoy this nice color, because it looks real good on her.
This whole time, the princess has been sad about the fact that she has this duty to which she must return and how she’ll never see the galaxy and stuff, and it culminates with her running away and Wesley chasing after her:
Shut up shut up shut up
Again, pancake booty. One thing I will say about this jumpsuit in its favor is its great movement. She really gets some nice swinging in from the things hanging off the shoulders as she runs away in sadness.
Here we have a great look at that chestplate/chastity armor, as well as the great draping on her neckline. Show off them clavicles, girl!
And here we have a great look at ACTING.
So she runs off, never to see Wesley again, and he is sadsies:
I actually don’t know what he’s holding in his hand, but doesn’t it look like a small version of his OWN HAND? Creepy.
Meanwhile, on the bridge, this lady is looking GOOD:
She looks a little bit like Leslie Mann, if Leslie Mann was playing a beauty queen who just wants to win one last pageant before her unintended pregnancy renders her ineligible for “Miss” status. Her hair helmet is smooth.
The princess decides she was too hard on Wes, who is playing Sad Solo Battleship Chess in his quarters:
B-5? You sunk my…my heart
But Salia comes to say hello and we get this wondrous shot:
Who thought this was ok?? Also, Wes looks like a gymnast who’s just dismounted the pommel horse, Good form, Crusher. But still: I did not need this in my eyes.
So they sit and they chat and blah blah blah SMOOCHES:
They do all right for themselves, considering one has been exiled to a deserted planet her whole life, and one is Wesley Crusher, Awkward Teen.
Unfortunately, the makeout sesh is interrupted by a very angry Frog Lady:
TRUE LOVE WAAAAAIIIIIIITS
Pro tip: if your boner becomes unwieldy and uncontrollable, just arrange for a scary, yet somehow hilarious monster to barge in.
BUT THEN: if your boner is persistent, just have the girl you were JUST MAKING OUT WITH turn into an EQUALLY SCARY yet STILL FAIRLY HILARIOUS monster:
You may recognize me from my Bigfoot special
Someone took the robot from Iron Giant and covered it in hides.
So now WESLEY is the one who runs away screaming, and more Teen Drama ensues, culminating in a scene in which Wes leans jauntily against a door frame to show how little he cares:
My stance is chill, brah
He literally, at this point, says to her, “I loved you!” which is some serious Romeo and Juliet shit and it’s like, shut up, no you didn’t, it was just all that boner juice.
Anyway, they make up, and she is like “sorry I didn’t tell you I’m a shape-shifter, my real form is hella crazy,” and he like “let me see it” and she is like “no…well, okay.” Turns out she’s a light being?
A light being with a shawl collar
And Wesley is like all in awe and stuff, while Riker looks on proudly at what I’m sure he sees as his protege:
I’ve boned light beings too, son
So everything is neat and tidy, except that poor Wesley has now lost his first “love.” To cure his heartbreak, he heads over to Ten-Forward for a drink:
Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen
Of seltzer water. Boringgggggggg!!
Guinan gives him some nice advice – that he’ll be sad for a while, but he’ll be okay, and that no, he’ll never actually feel this way again, because each person you love is different, etc. etc. etc. All this while wearing:
Purple’s a flavor
A modified pope hat and what appears to be some sort of down comforter in jacket form. Work it out, girl.
And just so you don’t forget: