The Survivors – 3.03

Remember how during the second season of TNG, Gates McFadden was preggers, and so Dr. Crusher was shipped off somewhere and replaced with Terrible Pulaski? And then remember how Pulaski was the worst? But then, thank goodness, Crusher returned for Season 3, and her hair was flawlessssssssssss:

As close as we’ll get to a real life Jane Jetson

That passel of curls is so artfully arranged. I wish I had a shrink-ray so I could sleep in it.

But, as much as I wish it was, this episode is not about Bev’s killer coif. It is about a planet that has basically been destroyed, eco-system-wise:

They hired Bob Ross for their scenic painting but he quit because he didn’t get to paint trees

The whole planet is like this, scarred and devoid of life, except for:

A Bit of Earth (ed. note: is that kid in a science lab?)

A perfectly rectangular, perfectly verdant little garden that looks like this:

Frank Lloyd Wright also quit when Bob Ross quit

So of course an away team goes to investigate, and Riker gets caught in a man-trap:


I’m not going to lie, I laughed at this. Then again, I watched “101 Ways to Leave a Game Show” yesterday on purpose. Feel free to judge me, but it was amazing when they shot a guy through a wall and off a cliff with a fire hose. The crew tries to help Riker:

Tetherball tournament

But before they can cut him down, they are accosted by this:

Pew pew pewwwww

That gun looks like it’s been carved from wood and spray painted. Not very intimidating, whoever you are. However, the fasteners on your shirt are highly intriguing. Are they buttons? They look like little bourbon bottles, embellished with a heart, and turned on the side. Anything that makes me think of bourbon is a-ok by me. (Most things make me think of bourbon. Or bourbon chicken.)

Funnelneck < funnel cake

Whatever they are, they go all the way up to this confused old man’s face. Like so many old men before him, he is literally requesting that the away team get off his lawn. Before they can answer or he can shoot them with his wooden blaster, his wife comes running out:


This, ladies and gentlemen, is Anne Haney, who didn’t start acting until her 40s, and who you may remember as the no-nonsense Mrs. Chapil in The American President AKA Martin Sheen is Not the President in This So Don’t Be Confused. And what, pray tell, is this delightful garment?

Pleats pleats me oh yeah like I pleats you

So other than those distractingly terrible pleats back there, I am pleased with their overall look as a couple. This color palette is nice on her, although I’m not sure why she decided the 1997 classic “short-sleeved shirt over long-sleeved shirt” look was appropriate. She looks like she’s going to a PTA meeting hosted by Phish. (I had a friend in high school who loved Phish and also long sleeves under short sleeves, so now, for better or for worse, that look and that jam band are linked in my mind.)

But her fasteners are also interesting! I don’t actually think they do anything, but they make her top look like a tiny airport.

So the crew is like “wtf how are you alive?” and the old people are like “somehow we survived this insane war that destroyed the rest of the planet – do you want some tea?” and of course they want some tea because tea is delicious, so they go inside:

Aqua Dansko is my new band

She’s wearing pants under a dress, a look Troi rocks frequently, and a look that isn’t doing anything for this lady (who is named Rishon; the dude’s name is Kevin). So much volume, girl! Streamline it! I do like her shoes. I’m pretty sure Kevin back there is working the ugly-ass boots we saw Q wearing in this episode. Those boots hurt my feelings.

So basically these people live on the destroyed planet and only have each other and are real old and sweet. Picard tries to get them to leave the planet several times, but they refuse. They have a special music box that they dance to:

Dance Dance Revolution

The thing about this music box is that it’s actually some sort of supersonic thought-interrupter? That is driving Deanna crazy? So she won’t use her empathic powers to figure out their SECRET????

Secrets secrets are no fun

She starts out just looking sort of sad…

Secrets secrets hurt someone

…and gets progressively worse. This is what I look like when a mariachi band gets on the subway.

Picard continues to try to get Rishon and Kevin off the planet, while defending the Enterprise against another ship. Eventually, the other ship EXPLODES the little green patch, presumably taking Kevin and Rishon with it. But hours later, the Enterprise returns and the bit of earth is BACK!! What the?

It turns out that the SECRET that Troi could not figure out is that a) Kevin is not human, he is some sort of all-powerful energy being and b) the wife is not actually real. She was real, but she died in the war that destroyed the planet, so Kevin recreated the whole thing with his vast powers. One would think that the writers of this show could come up with a better name for an all-powerful being than “Kevin,” but they named their android “Data,” so.

What do you mean, I’m not real?

Right, got it.

Kevin goes back to his normal state:

Light my fire

All-powerful energy beings have no use for clothes, but I do like the shade of bluey-purple in which he’s shining.

All in all, not much here in the way of clothes, but here is Worf drinking some tea:

Pinkies up

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