Aquiel – 6.13

Hey Guys! It’s Charlie! I’m back! Well, “back”… I just started grad school down at FSU, and so, instead of doing some of my reading, I decided that it was time to write the inaugural Netflix Fashion it So posting! Very exciting!

Of course, as you all know, Anna’s been carrying us for a while now, but fortunately, she keeps a very tidy spreadsheet of which episodes we’ve done and which are still up for grabs, so I went for this delightful little mystery nestled in Season 6.

So we start off with the away team beaming over to a communications subspace satellite thingy, because there’s no one there! But wait! There is someone there!

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Shag was so 23rd century, guys.

Just in case anyone is curious, no one ever addresses the fact that it’s a little weird to have a dog on a space station when I don’t think anyone on the enterprise has one. I guess Data has a cat, but… still. A little weird, no?

Anyway, they investigate the relay station and Beverly finds some “cellular residue” on a floor plate. ALL OF THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT.

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What color is that… khaki?

Bev thinks that it’s “probably” the woman who was posted there, Lieutenant Aquiel Uhnari, but needs to take it back to the enterprise “to get a clean sample” (SCIENCE). So Worf uses his phaser to yank up the thing: 

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Got it guys.

The only reason I’m including this is that because the next time we see Worf, a full 14 minutes later (nearly 1/3 of the episode) he’s standing in the exact same spot:

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Does this upshot make my forehead too shiny?

Anyway, back to the mystery. Geordi tries to get into the ship logs to figure out what happened, and Riker starts to prove that he has no idea how to properly pet a dog.

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I pet it near the teeth, right?

Geordi has to go try another console that just happens to be in Aquiel’s bedroom (boudoir, if you will), and he’s MYSTIFIED BY ALL THE ALIEN THINGS SHE HAS.

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Okay, sure, but how do I put it on?

There’s even a hilarious moment where the dog barks for her bone!

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It’s a clear space-bone! Oh wait, no, you can get those at PetCo (it’s where the pets go).

By this point, Geordi has accessed the audio of Aquiel’s logs, and she sounds like she’s a tough-as-nails girl from the South Bronx, the one who’s the captain of the girls’ basketball team and could probably beat the shit out of you if you looked at her wrong. Let’s see if we can fix that visual by running a diagnostic on a range of megahertz or some bullshit.

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Space babe.

Geordi, could you show us in one slightly creepy facial expression how you feel about this?

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Earth boys are easy.

Remember, he’s got this look on his face about a dead girl. Geordi, I know that OkCupid doesn’t have that many dateable options on board the Enterprise, but surely you don’t have to go after the dead ladies… right?

Also, I just have to say that the genre of TNG episodes where Geordi falls in love with a headstrong but girlish woman who sticks around for exactly one episode are some of my favorites. 

So Geordi continues to creepily hang out in her quarters and watch her video logs where she pours out her secrets. There are several scenes where he walks around her room and looks at all the WEIRD ALIEN SHIT she has. 

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I killed this space goat and mounted his lamé hide onto my wall. 

You’d think that anyone who’d been on the Enterprise as long as he has would know you shouldn’t go picking up weird alien shit, but, well, here he goes.

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Chekhov’s Gun???

Geordi gets to know Aquiel better and better through her video logs. She decides to give us a nice shot of her “hairstyle”, which I can only describe as what our aforementioned girls basketball team captain would get Lolita down at the corner salon to do for her prom ‘do, not wanting anything to fancy.

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¡Ay, mami! ¡No hay nada que yo puedo hacer aquí!

MEANWHILE ABOARD THE ENTERPRISE: Worf found traces of Klingon DNA and oh also Aquiel mentioned that some Klingons had been harassing the station. You know what this means: KLINGON FASHIONS.

SHOULDER PADS ARE IN, GUYS, I SWEAR.

I feel like Anna and I have covered Klingon Fashion in several different other posts (and it was mostly Anna), but there is one thing later on I want to address, just because it is the best. A reason to stay tuned.

One thing I’ve never understood, though: where is this guy’s webcam? Shouldn’t he have a bridge behind him too? This would be the equivalent of Obama always addressing the nation in front of a giant American flag, in case someone forgets which country he’s president of (Kenya, naturally). Also, can I just say that Picard’s balls must be the size of melons in order for him to be totally cool having a conversation with a man literally 3 times his size.

So of course, Geordi is in his quarters, skeevily watching more Aquiel videos. Here’s one where she tries on a crazy wig! (I was pissed that the shot wasn’t bigger.)

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¡Echa Pa’ Lante! ¡Echa Pa’ Lante! ¡Echa Pa’ Lante!

Oh, adding to his skeeviness is that he’s watching these in his own quarters. C’mon, Geordi, don’t take your work home with you. Also, we get a look in his quarters, and, I’m sorry, LaForge, you can NOT JUDGE Aquiel on the weird shit she had in her room.

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No straight man owns anything that shiny or that round. Except maybe Picard. And I’m not talking about his head. HIYOOOOOOOO.

Picard demands that the Klingons come aboard to talk about the whole “incident.” Captain Torak (though they kept pronouncing it “toe-rag” show’s up with whatever the male equivalent of cameltoe is.

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Slothfinger? Squirrelcheeks? (I’ve enabled this to let other people answer, so have at it, folks.)

And guess what, the Klingons didn’t kill Aquiel because LOOK GUYS SHE’S ALIVE.

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I actually would have liked to see her take these two out. Oh well.

So of course, her and Geordi start getting all romantical. At one point she asks him “if I’m anything like what you thought I’d be.” I have to assume the script called for a thoughtful, “hmmm…”, but instead we get this:

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He literally says: “Mmmmmm…”

Apparently everyone on the Enterprise needs to go through some HR training, because a few minutes later, Riker is having to tell Geordi to cool things down between him and Aquiel while standing within easy makeout distance from his full, supple lips.

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Listen, Geordi, I’m about to grab your pecs, and I just want you to go with it.

I mean, that is some CLOSE TALKING.

They bring in the Klingon Morag for some questioning, and this is the shot the DP chose (obviously he was having an artsy week, after those upshots on Worf):

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FACE FACE FACE FACE FACE

Also, it should be noted that this might be Deanna’s only scene in this episode—it’s certainly the only one she has a line in—and her hair is looking WRECKED. I’m not sure, but that might be Brett’s helmet that looks like his own hair from Flight of the Conchords. The close-up we get a second later makes it look a little better, and she says her only line of the episode: “‘Concerned’?” (All those quotes are necessary.)

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I hate to give her a hard time, as she’s one of my favorites, but her boobs require her to put her stupid communicator practically inside her armpits.

Without going into all the whys and wherefores, this happens, because of course it does:

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I think I’d prefer it if you had braces.

You just need to know that that’s going on. Beverly meanwhile has completely forgone the pretense of science and has taken that khaki crust from the beginning of the ep and turned it into silly putty.

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It bounces real high AND it’ll take an imprint of your newspaper.

Throughout this whole scene, Beverly has a silent assistant in the background who keeps giving her this look like either a) she doesn’t speak English, b) Beverly is insane, c) she wandered in from another part of the ship and doesn’t actually know what she’s doing there, and can’t seem to break away.

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Or maybe d) she’s hoping for some hot hot sickbay action.

Anyway, because of course it does, the goop reaches out and touches Beverly:

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These graphics rendered on a Mac II.

And then the goop creates a perfect replica of Beverly’s hand.

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I know exactly nothing about nails, but why would the DNA replica also match her french manicure?

So in about three minutes of this 45 minute episode, they EXPLAIN EVERYTHING: a shape-shifting alien has been taking over people’s bodies!!! Well, fortunately, Geordi isn’t going to do anything stupid like engage with a strange, unknown alien in a sex ritual…

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I think they stole that bedspread from the Airport HoJo.

We know it’s getting real because Geordi takes off his visor (rowr) and that weird glass thing starts GLOWING COLORS.

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Seeing Geordi turned on is all of a sudden making me NOT want to watch the TNG porno…

Anyway, Riker busts in and gets all dramatic—“How could you?!? With her?!” And then they put her in confinement until they can figure out if she’s the shape shifter. 

Fortunately, now that everything’s over, Geordi can just go relax in his quarters, oh yeah, with Aquiel’s dog (why is the dog staying with him? Sigh…).

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Hey buddy, what’s…

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Buddy…? Pal…?

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Holy jesus fuck!

There’s an obligatory fight scene with a CGI blob

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What have you done with Muffy?!?!

And then Geordi shoots it, causing it to disappear entirely.

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Fortunately, I know everyone will believe me, even though there will be no physical evidence.

Anyway, in case you were worried, we are finally given some pretty great fashions when Geordi and Aquiel reunite after her name is cleared.

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Sorry, I just wandered in from the set of the video for Janet Jackson’s “Runaway.”

There are some definite bizarre choices. I’m not even that mad at those armlets, or whatever the fuck they are: what is up with that one-covered shoulder, one not?! Also, it looks like that collar was cut by those fancy Fiskars scissors that cut patterns http://www2.fiskars.com/Products/Crafting/Edgers/Paper-Edgers.

As for Geordi?

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I’m pretty sure this was taken from the extras costumes on “The Santa Clause.”

Well, that’s the end of it, folks. OH WAIT! The thing I wanted to say about Klingon Shoes: they do not match the ferocity of the rest of the Klingon outfit. They should be wearing big-ass battle boots, but instead they are this:

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This is actually a really bad shot of them… fortunately, I remembered that the Star Trek TNG Interactive Video Board Game had a great shot of them.

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I’m sorry, but those do not look like the footwear of a fierce warrior. Those look like garbage bags wrapped in electrical tape with horns on the toes. Or the rejects from last year’s Steve Madden’s sample sale. Can’t tell which.

Give it a year, and they’ll be in again. Sigh.

Later folks!

UPDATE: I forgot to tell you all that when I did a google search for Klingon Shoes, guess who was the THIRD RESULT in ALL OF GOOGLE?!

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