Father’s Day is coming up, and while there are some episodes that would be good to highlight for various reasons – Sins of the Father, of course, coming to mind, as well as the previously-covered The Offspring – I recently acquired Season 6 of TNG, which includes the episode “Rascals,” a fashion-light but shenanigan-heavy episode with some delightful little guest stars.
The episode opens with Picard, Ensign Ro, Keiko O’Brien, and Guinan – motley crew, that – returning from a visit to some planet or other, where Picard has been rooting around in caves. He’s so happy!
I went to Marlonia and all I got was this shard of pottery
Guinan, of course, dressed sensibly for the trip.
Her hat keeps an entire Brooklyn-style pizza warm for hours
This is the best color of all the colors. It is bright but regal; electric but comforting. And Guinan’s face here is the best face of all the faces. I don’t want to talk about the neckline. I DO want to talk about the amount of fabric that went into this top/tunic/shirtdress:
24th Century Bond Girl Pleats Galore
It is like the part in The Sound of Music where Maria makes clothes from the curtains, except without the “making clothes” part. Keiko has sort of an interesting overalls thing going on, which we’ll see more of anon, but for now, enjoy this Starfleet-approved Plant Container and some of Keiko’s textured fabric:
I think I had that Caboodles when I was like 12, except in fuchsia and turquoise instead of grey. Also, “materiel”? Did we outsource propmastering to the Québécois? In any event, I like that funky nubby stuff Keiko’s wearing (except the terrible color).
Also along for the ride is Ensign Ro, who is rocking a Rayanne Graff-style earring:
My Ro-Called Life
I am not mad at that at all. It is so delightfully 90s and also sort of perfect for Ro’s brand of petulant teen sullenness. Also, her brows? Almost porn-actress good.
Anyway, the shuttlecraft these guys are in goes through some sort of…event and they get all shaken up. Guinan’s hat is not safe:
Should have worn a sweatband like Ro
And when they emerge on the other side of the transporter, this happens:
Awwwww! So cute! such babies! And Guinan’s tent of a dress is even more so on L’il Guinan. The babies are taken to sickbay, where it’s determined that they are basically fine, but look like children, sort of a reverse-Big situation, if you will:
Their clothes fit now
I guess between the transporter room and sickbay, they stopped by one of the clothes replicators and got their exact same outfits in a new size. Keiko, why didn’t you use this opportunity to get out of that awful color?!
Everyone is concerned, of course, and weirded out, because these people are actually adults in children’s bodies, particularly Deanna, who has apparently taken most of her styling product tips from “It’s Pat”:
Curly Sue 2: Electric Suegaloo
Stick to the high pony, D.
Once it’s determined that everyone is pretty much fine, but there’s not really much to be done about their conditions, they try to resume their normal functions on the ship. Riker is skeptical:
The side-eye on this show is pretty frequent
He probably just feels threatened by a 12-year-old who already has a lustrous head of hair. Actually, there’s a lot of good hair in this episode. Dr. Bev is looking like a Pantene commercial:
I just want to braid it
And this random bridge ensign is rocking a super-mod futurebob that I am sort of super into?
Flappers : 24th Century Halloween :: 15th Century Wench : 2011 Halloween
I thought maybe I would look okay with this haircut, but my freakishly small forehead (threehead?) would make it difficult, I think:
Also I don’t have Photoshop so I don’t deserve cute hair
My brows! Gone!
So Mini-Ro is pissed because her childhood was terrible, and Mini-Guinan is all wise (as she always is) and is like “why don’t you try being a kid for once?” and Ro is like still pissed (as she always is), but eventually they end up juimping on the bed, which: fun.
Jealous, for real real
I want to a) be jumping on a bed and b) be wearing those purple boots. Also, this is just a really great screenshot of Mini-Guinan:
Ms. Frass, first name Sass A.
WERQ. Trivia about this little actress: she also played Whoopi’s younger self in Sister Act, and those are her only two acting credits.
Meanwhile, Keiko has a serious problem, because she is a married lady with a husband and a kid! O’Brien is obviously super-weirded out by this, leading to some awkwardness:
I’ll just sit over here, far from you
At least Keiko wasn’t wearing something sexy. There is nothing about that self-belt that is attractive. But she is in a weird situation and just wants the comforting arms of her man:
Aaaaa no aaaaa
At least Miles is an adult and while he might be weirded out, he gets what’s happening. But what about baby O’Brien?
First, this baby is hella cute, so cute I had to use some northern California slang to express it. Second, those sheets are dope, and third, the baby’s jammies complement the sheets. This screenshot is champion.
But poor baby doesn’t recognize Mommy because Mommy is a baby too! Man, is this kid thing working out for anyone?
Picard may be shorter and relieved of command of his ship, but he’s got that beautiful head of hair now. So he’s doing all right.
Meanwhile, O’Brien and Geordi are trying to figure out what happened to cause the childrening:
O’Brien is using a Fisher-Price calculator to figure it out
Who is that dude behind them? Why is his jumpsuit lemony yellow? Why are his pant legs so wide? Is that a uniform? Is it the same Jeffries tube jumpsuit Geordi wears here? If so, why is he wearing it outside a Jeffries tube? And most importantly:
…why doesn’t the crotch fit right?
But we don’t have time for these questions, because the ship is being boarded by some Ferengi:
Ferengi: uncreative assholes
You may be wondering how some dumb-ass Ferengi manage to take a Starfleet starship hostage. It involves them having already taken some Klingon warships hostage and using the crew as slave labor? In a mine? It kind of doesn’t really matter, though. In any event, Riker and the rest of the crew are astonished:
Everyone’s hair in this shot: GREAT
I’m sorry, am I watching Star Trek or RuPaul’s Drag Race? Because everyone in this photo is giving SERIOUS face.
So all the adults are taken hostage by the Ferengi, while the children are trapped in one of the classrooms:
Go on, brush your shoulders off
I mainly need everyone to look at the boy on the left and his “ice skater in training” practice outfit. It takes a strong man to wear pink and purple, son, and you’ve done it.
Alexander: not having it
Of particular interest in this shot: the girl’s white…vest? Sweater vest? Shirt? I don’t know what’s going on there, but it is highly unflattering and might be made of frosting.
Alexander, Worf’s son, is also there, in his traditional jumpsuit:
Pageboy Boy’s powers include looking Shakespearean
So the kids (and “kids”) are trapped in the schoolroom, which has a computer that isn’t super helpful:
However, it could be helpful if Riker turned on the regular ship’s computer in there, so Picard comes up with a plan to talk to the head Ferengi, who is enjoying his time in the captain’s chair:
That’s not your desk
I know I talk some shit about Ferengis and how boring they are, but I have to give them props for those boots. I would straight-up wear those. They look like something Lori Petty circa 1992 might wear, and that is an image I am totally on board with.
So Picard – as Mini-Picard – in order to get to Riker, does the only thing he can think of, and throws a tantrum:
But the ploy works, and Picard makes it to Riker, who is at first confused:
I know I probably have a kid out there somewhere
Then, elated, in order to cover up the fact that they’re talking in code:
This specific incident is what made me think of this episode for Father’s Day, because L’il JLP slips and calls Riker “Number One,” and covers up for said slip by exclaiming, “He’s my Number One Dad!!” It’s pretty hilarious.
The Ferengis are so dumb that the plan works, and the kids trap the Ferengis in the transporter room and OH BY THE WAY Bev figured out how to put everyone back in their normal body (it involved DNA markers). So at the end of the episode, everyone is restored, but not before Ro learns to enjoy being a child with Guinan’s help:
She is, like, really good at drawing for someone who hates drawing.
And of course, we couldn’t end without a comment on Picard’s hair or lack thereof:
Damn, I miss that sweet, sweet hair
I’ve been experiencing a lot of “younger actor playing a version of Patrick Stewart and making a joke about his hair” lately. Okay, just this episode, and that movie, but still.
Happy Father’s Day!