The past few posts (other than, of course, the XXX parody post) have been Season 3 episodes; this was unintentional and may be due to the schedule of what G4 and/or BBC America are showing at a given time. Fortunately, there are plenty of good outfits to ponder in Season 3, so we will continue.
This episode opens with Picard enjoying a snifter of something whilst reading:
Synthohol brandy is just as gross as real brandy, probably
The glassware on the Enterprise is pretty inconsistent, no? I mean, yes, Ten-Forward’s ale glasses are all the same, and Picard’s Earl Grey Hot mug is well-established, but the overall effect when you consider every piece of glassware used on the ship is much like my own glassware collection: scraped-together bits of flotsam that I’ve purchased at church rummage sales or stolen from neighborhood bars. I used to have these two square Amaretto glasses that came with a bottle of Amaretto my mom got me when I was in college. They were dope, but made NO SENSE. In any event, that snifter isn’t very futurey, but the production designer made a good choice with it, since it implies that Picard is STRAIGHT CHILLIN’.
Or was straight chillin’, anyway, until this happens:
I hope that’s a human Xerox so we can all have our own personal Picard
Some sort of alien scanner beam! The beam scans him, then transports him to this room:
Onyx is actually really comfortable to sleep on…NOT
Picard and two other captives are trapped here. One is a Federation cadet:
This delightful green seam-faced lady is a Bolian, which explains her pistachio complexion and face seam. Does it explain her Carol Brady hair? No, it does not, as Bolians are frequently bald. Perhaps this cadet did all her human research by watching 1970s sitcoms. Also: taco earlobe.
The there’s this guy, a Mizarian:
Can we get the Cryptkeeper? No? Close enough
The Mizarians are some sort of pansy-ass species who avoid confrontation at all costs, like the Swiss or Andy Bernard. I know his headwrap looks boring from the front, but it’s actually much more interesting than you think:
More Wagner on the barbie
It looks cool, was probably tricky to construct, and might collapse like a cup you take camping. It would be nice if it didn’t match his grey skin quite so exactly, but I’ll allow it.
So Picard is hanging with these two, while back on the Enterprise, the crew is a aflutter because Picard is missing…OR ARE THEY???
Apparently everything is cool, snifter and all
So that beam WAS a human Xerox!! Whoever is responsible for transporting JLP to his onyx prison has created a DUPLICATE captain so that the Enterprise folk don’t get suspicious. The ramifications of this duplicate will become apparent soon.
Anyway, the REAL Picard and his new buds are trying the “food” given to them by their captors, which looks like it might be jello:
Or it’s a pink 2000 Flushes
The “food” doesn’t taste so great, I guess, but it’s edible, at least by the current inhabitants of the cell. But then, a new friend is transported in:
Private Dance it out of here
This guy means business. Look at the cuff on those boots! Also, his outfit appears to be entirely constructed of those blankets you can rent from U-Haul to protect your stuff when you move. Let’s get a better look:
He can pick his nose with his teeth; saves time when you want to eat your boogers
I take it back: his pants are made of moving blankets; his shirt, however, is made of sleeping bags. I hope it’s lined with flannel like mine was. Cozy!! And his collar is made of discarded Almond Hershey’s Kisses wrappers.
This guy, who is clearly antagonistic, tries to eat the jello/2000 Flushes thing and finds it inedible, which puts a timeclock on the goings-on in this little cell: if he doesn’t get food within 3 days, HE GONNA EAT SOMEBODY. They try to figure out a plan, first by brainstorming:
Sit as hard as you can, guys
Then, they try to break into the security system of the door locking them inside their cell, but are hit with some sort of pain ray:
Pain is green because envy hurts, man
Meanwhile, up on the Enterprise, Fake Picard is romancing the good doctor:
Champagne for my real friends, etc.
See what I mean about the glassware? Those look quite futurey but still flutey. But they don’t really look like they go with the snifter from before. I guess with a replicator, you just take whatever glassware comes out. You can tell JLP (or Fake JLP) is in Seduction Mode, Level 5 because of his plummy deep-V wrap robe. Dr. Bev, however, is not quite so romantically-inclined:
Face face face
First of all, khaki is the least glamorous color of all time. It smacks of company golf retreats and deserts, neither of which stir any sort of pleasant feelings up. Second, that collar is terrible. It’s like a tight poncho. Bev wears this outfit – the exact same one, it looks like – in Season 6. We don’t get as good a view in that other episode, though, so let’s see what the whole shebang looks like:
A world of no
No, girl. No. First, that tight-poncho collar hits you right on your boob line (that is not a real term OR IS IT), making the girls look saggy even though we know they’re not. Second, what is all that bunching around your midsection? Third, you are working the Deanna Troi Dress-With-Same-Color-Pants look, except instead of her wonderful tealy kelly, it’s khaki. Vom. Fourth:
BEV. I know your ass is not flat like that. What is happening under that dress?! Everyone gets an F.
However, the khaki and the tight poncho and the flat ass effect don’t seem to matter, because:
Space makeout, part 5000
Fake Picard! You rogue! This wouldn’t be so bad, but they share a steamy kiss, and then Fake Picard escorts Dr. Bev out of his quarters and stands like this whilst informing her that their date is over:
Diggin’ the scene with a gangsta lean
Seriously, dude? Stop being all sexy and smooth if you’re just going to go “oh never mind.” This is Fake Picard, so we won’t hold it against the real JLP. Fake Picard didn’t realize his own bald, sexy power.
After this date, Fake Picard goes to Ten-Forward and proceeds to rouse everyone in a jaunty Federation Academy drinking song:
An ensign’s life for me
This is unusual behavior for JLP, and there are many shots of concern on the part of Riker and Troi:
I sense that he is drunk
Riker’s had enough of Fake Picard and his drunken antics (as well as the fact that he won’t tell anyone why they’re on a course that will probably kill everyone on the whole ship), so he confronts him and threatens mutiny. I do wish this scene had been set to “The Confrontation” from Les Miserables, but the hilarious full-profile shots were sufficient:
Picard, at last, we see each other plain
Seriously. The whole scene – which isn’t that long, this being a television show and all, but still – just cuts between these two shots, like, ten times.
While on the Enterprise, Riker is deducing that Fake Picard is fake, Real Picard is deducing that the Federation cadet is not what she seems, by testing her knowledge. Turns out that the whole time, the captives have been under the eyes of some aliens doing an experiment, and the Bolian girl is just one of them, shape-shifted:
I will raise her to the liiiiiiiiight </Les Miserables references>
She shape-unshifts back to her normal state, which is:
I don’t even know what to say. This is glorious. Is it made of liquid latex? I sure hope so. The color is a delightful shade of blue, bordering on lavender, and it includes a shiny cummerbund and collar that would not look out of place in Visions Exotic Dance Club’s Salute to King Tut:
Liquid latex disco ball
I have tried to sew with fabric like that before, and it is HARD, y’all. The level of commitment on the part of the costumers here is commendable. I am digging this corset-ish detail on the front. So the disco alien takes Real Picard back to the Enterprise to meet Fake Picard:
Fake Picard, is, of course, a shape-shifter alien as well, so he goes back to his true form, a form that has the ass Bev should have had earlier:
I like big butts and I cannot etc.
Do you guys remember those compilation CDs called “Monster _________” that were all over the place in the early aughts? My friend Jacki had Monster Ballads (we wore that shit OUT), but it came in various flavors, one of which was Monster Booty. You just look at the track listing and tell me this isn’t the greatest CD of all time. GO AHEAD. TRY. Anyway, their butts look amazing in these jumpsuits, is what I’m getting at. I am not so much a fan of the flat boots they have on because they sort of look like they might be Crocs.
So Picard is like “why did you imprison us??” and the aliens are like “we meant no harm! We were just doing an experiment!!” and Picard is like “SEE HOW YOU LIKE BEING LOCKED UP” and signals his crew (non-verbally, to show the aliens that even us lowly humans can communicate without words) to put them in a red light prison
Baby it’s yours (I’m yo-ours)
The aliens see the error of their ways and peace out, taking their liquid latex jumpsuits with them. All is back to normal, it seems, except then Bev comes in with this look, the “why’d you smooch me then run away” look, I guess:
If I had a nickel for every smirk on this show, I’d make a dress out of nickels
And Real Picard, because he’s not the one who smooched her, is confused:
Your smirk does not affect me
Everything is back to normal except that I now really want to see Patrick Stewart play Jean Valjean.