I don’t know what was going on with me at the end of October, but I found another stash of screenshots taken from an episode I watched then and promptly forgot about. I’m going to blame Halloween, I think. Yeah, Halloween.
Anyway, this episode begins with an old friend returning:
Can I just get half a cup of coffee? No, like, literally half a cup
It’s Vash, Picard’s adventuresome partner-in-crime in the third season episode Captain’s Holiday (aka Booty Shorts Picard)! I love Vash because she does not give a fuuuuuuuck.
I used this screenshot so that you could all have the same reaction I did when I saw John de Lancie’s name: FUCKING Q!!!!!! Although the title of the episode kind of gives that fact away.
Anyway, so Vash rolls in and is like “sup, Picard,” and this happens literally three lines in:
Women want to do him, men want to be him (and also do him)
Not wasting any time, are we, kiddos? The next scene we see is the two of them enjoying croissants, presumably the next morning because of the breakfast food, when Beverly rolls in to have her breakfast with Picard. Uh oh.
The “I’ma fuck you up, bitch” is barely contained
Ohhh hell no. Picard may tramp it up with all manner of sexy diplomats or space adventurers or whatever, but breakfast? Breakfast is Bev’s turf. And now Vash is on it. But Bev. If you are going to come to a fight with a galactic adventurer, do not come dressed for your Oprah’s Book Club meeting in 1987:
“I’d like you to meet Beverly, my jealous platonic friend”
Ok. First of all, this is another one of those times where the costume designer stayed out too late the night before, and was like “oh shit, Bev’s in this scene! Ummmm just go to Ross Dress for Less and find me a sweater that looks future-y.” Second of all, this sweater DOES NOT LOOK FUTURE-Y. It just makes Bev look like she has no waist (which we all know she does) and that pattern starts right at her boob line, which is the worst place to start a pattern! And that collar?! What is that even doing? “Let me show you 1 inch of my shoulders BUT NO MORE.” I just really don’t like this top.
And to make things even worse, Vash looks straight BANGIN’ in her outfit:
Bangin’: relative term
The hair could definitely use some work. Wavy or straight, girl, make a decision. But that one weird finger-cymbal earring is really working for me right now, and I love the detailing on her collar. And it’s actually a really cute little suit:
Your chair is so powerful, Captain
CUTE. I love that asymmetrical mini. But then she gets a little too big for her britches:
I wish I had a Snuggie right now
Oh no girl. You do not put your feet on the captain’s chair!! Riker and Worf know:
Whose chair is that? Not my chair, not my problem, that’s what I say
The disdain, I can feel it. But since she and Picard know each other, in the bown-chicka-biblical sense, she is given a free pass. She also wears an item I at first thought was a necklace:
But on second glance, it turns out to possibly be really long earrings?
I had my ears reinforced because these weigh 4 lbs. each
Whatever it is, it’s a little too tchotchke for my taste. It looks like she took some old plumbing supplies, some totems, and some of that petrified wood and all threw it on a necklace. Too many things!!
We’ve covered a lot of ground, and you know who we haven’t even seen yet?
Ugh, this guy. He is always fucking with Picard, always! So haughty. And what is the deal with everyone putting their feet on the furniture today? Respect Picard’s couch! So Q just, like, appears, the way he always does, and is like “hey buuuuuuddy, want to go see these ruins on this planet we’re orbiting? I can take you there if we go back in time!” He actually is trying to be nice this time because of something nice Picard did for him, but he still manages to come across as kind of a douchenozzle. Then he magically changes into this getup:
Who wears short shorts? Q wears short shorts
Ok, as much as I sometimes hate Q and how he is a little bitch most of the time, be BRINGS IT when it comes to outfits. I mean, sure, he has basically unlimited power, so it’s not, like, a hard task or anything, but if this blog teaches us anything, it’s that even unlimited power in the form of clothing replicators does not mean every outfit will be great. This one, however, is perfect. I mean, a BELTED TOP? For a MAN?! Oh, Q, you’re incorrigible. So Picard is like:
Let me ask my iPad
Picard thinks about Q’s offer for a hot second, and then is like “no, because it’s illegal and immoral,” apparently forgetting all those times he was like “haha Prime Directive whaaaat.”
So then Picard and Vash have this fight wherein he is like “you want to see those ruins!” and she is like “no doy!” and he is like “I THOUGHT YOU CAME TO SEE ME” and she is like “YOU’RE NOT MY DAD.” Well, almost like that. Anyway, they fight due to their differing morals. The whole fight, however, is overheard:
Q has a nosy ear
When I first saw this screenshot in my folder, I was like “why did I take thi—OH HAHAHA Q YOU ROGUE.” I just wanted all of you to be able to experience that with me.
So Q is like “oh ho ho! I am going to teach Picard a lesson about love. I better tell him RIGHT NOW”:
The Q/Picard slashfic was actually really boring
Dude. Get your feet. Off. The furniture.
But I’m glad he surprised him, because Picard’s shorty robe gets another appearance:
It looks more like a romper here, but it’s a robe. It’s SO. SHORT. That is all.
Okay, so you guys are probably like, “wow, so many things happened in this episode already.” But GUESS WHAT. Q has not even STARTED to teach Picard the lesson about love. No. Because we are talking about Q here, and if Q and Sassy Gay Friend have anything in common, it is that they love themed brunches and/or lesson-teachings. So what ends up happening is this:
and finally, this:
Pretty big bow you got there
I think we can all see where this is going:
You couldn’t magically remove Geordi’s VISOR, Q? Asshole
Yup, Sherwood fucking Forest, y’all. So Picard is, of course, Robin Hood in this little role-play Q has set up:
Givin’ it to the poor, and by poor I mean laydeeeeezzzzz
Picard is in Classic Robin Hood Attire, as should be expected. I like how everyone is wearing a short tee over a long tee. Very November in California in 1995.
“Sir, I protest. I am not a merry man”
That hat is straight piiiiiiiiiiimp. And I really think this scalloped mini-poncho is ahead of its time. The weird thing in this part is that the crew figures out their Robin Hood myth counterparts:
- Picard = Robin Hood (leader, foxy as hell)
- Riker = Little John (second in command, looks sort of like a bear)
- Worf = Will Scarlet (looks good in red, likes to fight with swords)
- Geordi = Alan-a-Dale (I saw this sketch when I was like 8 and that is all I know about Alan-a-Dale. Dudley Moore’s face = best face ever)
- Data = Friar Tuck (likes learning, distinctive yellow skin and/or tonsure)
- Troi = uhhh…lady…with a hat…on
- Crusher = another lady…with a different hat.
Seriously, who am I
It is totally cool with me if they decide to do this. It allows for a hilarious joke later involving Geordi, Worf, and a smashed mandolin. But to leave Troi and Crusher hanging like that seems inappropriate. That said, I do like seeing Bev in this fetching burgundy/forest green combo the costume designer seems to like so much, just like I did when I got a forest green bodysuit from County Seat and wore it with burgundy corduroys. FASHION.
I assume you’re all familiar with the Robin Hood tale, whether it be via the animated version with the hot fox (YES I KNOW HE IS A CARTOON AND ALSO A FOREST CREATURE SHUT UP HE IS HOT), or the Kevin Costner version with creepysexy Alan Rickman as the Sheriff, or the Mel Brooks parody Men in Tights, or the awesome BBC version Deborah lent to me like 3 years ago on VHS and that I literally still have (sorry, D). Pretty straightforward. We have Guy of Gisbourne, Robin’s enemy:
Did not follow Coco Chanel’s advice to take one thing off before you leave
There’s just…a lot happening here. That shirt appears to be made of a golden carpet bag, and his collar is definitely constructed out of hand-crocheted washcloths, and then he’s got some sort of medallion around his neck that I’m pretty sure will show you where the Map Room is, and then Hugh Hefner’s smoking jacket (1975 edition). Oh, and the hat. It’s a lot of look, is all.
And Q casts himself as the Sheriff of Nottingham, of course:
Musta been some bird
Seriously, where does one even GET feathers that long? I was about to make a joke about the Feather Emporium, but it’s a real thing. Comedy fail.
So Picard/Robin has to rescue Marian/Vash from the tower or she gets beheaded, and the whole thing is some sort of test of Picard’s love for her. Sure. Meanwhile, at the tower, Vash is looking shiny:
Turtleneck with detachable headband
We have discussed the love of shiny fabric on this blog before, but this is just silly. This color palette is ALL WRONG for the time period. The shininess is probably okay, though, because those rich bitches back then did love them a brocade. The best part of this outfit? Her hair:
IT’S A WIG
I know this is going to come as a shock to you guys, but I actually like Star Wars at an equal OR POSSIBLY HIGHER level than I do Star Trek. SORRY IF I JUST BLEW YOUR MINDS. Anyway, I mention it here because this hair just really reminds me of Bib Fortuna.
So they go through the whole rigamarole of a tower attack, allowing Picard/Robin to wear this fetching “disguise”:
Um…I know that’s you
I think he stole that hat from Diane Keaton in the 70s. But gay hat or not, he gets the girl:
Related: I’m starting a blog called Kissing in Space that’s just screenshots like this
…for a second. Because they get back to the Enterprise when Q shuts down the illusion or whatever, and Vash is like “now that I know you love me, I’m going to go do some adventuring with Q.” So she puts on her “adventurer” clothes:
The boots are also from 1970 Diane Keaton’s closet
Are those TREGGINGS? (Worst portmanteau word since sharting, y/y?) I think they are treggings. I hope they’re stretchy. Adventuring can rip your pants.
We ain’t engaged, we just look real good together
Q promises that Vash will be safe with him, and also to provide her with an unlimited supply of khaki belted tops, which to me basically sounds like prison. “Oh, good, I get to wear the worst color ever all the time, and travel around the universe with a smug douche with a serious case of jerkface.* GREAT.” But she seems happy, and manages to get one last smooch with Picard, which I of course screencapped:
Look ma, no hands
Kind of a not-hot kiss to end on, but I’ll allow it.
*(the gold standard of jerkface is Bradley Cooper)