I watched and took screenshots of this episode almost a month ago, and then apparently forgot about them until just now. Let’s find out how many details of the plot I can remember – TOGETHER.
So the Enterprise rolls up on a transport ship that’s being attacked by some punks, and is like “pick on someone your own size” and they are like “eek proton torpedos” and peace out. The transport ship’s captain asks Picard to take aboard a – what else – mediator they are transporting. Maybe in the future, mediator school is like law school – there are some people who are genuinely interested in becoming lawyers, for whatever reason, but there are others who are just like “uh I guess I’m done with college…what now?” So you end up with all these people who are just happy to be paying off their mediator school loans. Anyway. Here’s the mediator:
Mediation 101: Bring an old lady with you to appear more vulnerable, then attack
So the mediator guy, who is named Alkar, gets transported aboard, sporting a fairly basic blue-on-blue suit with my least favorite article of clothing, the mock turtleneck.
But who is this
bewitching okay, just witchy woman with him? He says he’s her mother, but based on that sheer dress over pants, she is Cher’s mother. Or great-great-great-etc. granddaughter, I guess.
You couldn’t even fix your hair, grandma?
The sheer dress is actually quite beautiful, with an intriguing gold embroidery pattern all over it. This does not change the fact that this old woman is terrifying.
Interrupting myself here: so I started this post, like, a month ago, so it’s now been AT LEAST two months since I’ve seen this episode. I still mostly remember what happened. Maybe.
So we meet them, and of course dude is like “heyyyy Troi” and Troi is like “suuuuup wanna do some tai chi later?” and he is like “DO I EVER” and then it turns out she actually meant tai chi:
Who knew that Worf and my grandma had something in common besides their mastery of Klingon
The fact that they go to class means we get to see Troi in an ensemble other than her traditional jumpsuit:
Keds: Forever Classic
Again with the too-short sleeves, clothing replicator?! I’m interested to know, however, how that wrap shirt is staying closed over Troi’s ample bosom. I have some personal experience with this (I’m not bragging, y’all, it’s just true), and I suspect she is employing some sort of Space Boob Tape and/or an elaborate system of snaps. We get to see the dude version of the tai chi suit in more detail as well:
They’re called doinger pants because…well, come to my quarters and I’ll explain
I can’t even really address this sleeve issue anymore. It’s not worth typing it out.
So Troi and mediator dude go by his quarters, where they find his “mom,” who warns Troi not to sleep with him, which is creepy and weird. But then again, girl looks like this:
Creepy and weird comes with the territory
If you can’t be creepy and weird with that rats’ nest on your head, when can you?
So Troi leaves, but is soon called back because the old lady keels over DEAD soon after. The mediator guy is sad, of course, and calls Troi into his quarters to do a “funeral rite.” Now, this doesn’t come across super-well in a blog post, but this guy is CLEARLY what my girl Tanya and I would refer to in college as “Sketchy McSketcherson of the Sketchington Estates.” So. Sketchy. So it’s pretty clear at this point that this:
…is not a funeral rite. Something SINISTER is going on, and it starts to manifest itself in Troi the very next day. First, she can’t decide what to wear:
Sheer burgundy, the color of sadness
Should she wear the burgundy potato sack?
Turquoise spandex lasts forever
Or the turquoise…hot pants? Crop top? What item of clothing could that possibly be?
Then, instead of deciding what to wear, she goes back to tai chi class. But instead of relaxed or balanced, she starts to feel super-sexy:
Lay your hands on me
Problem: overwhelming sexy feelings
Solution: feel yourself up in public
I…guess I can go along with that.
So Troi basically has all this horniness inside just WAITING to burst out. First she tries to get it on with the mediator:
Not the dad from Seventh Heaven, I promise
Girl. Rule number one when you are trying to hit it: NO SCRUNCHIES. Scrunchies are the enemy of sexytimes.
That doesn’t work, so she moves on to some rando crew member:
Hungry like the wolllllffff
Oh DAMN. She is going to HIT. THAT. Nothing can stop her, not even his ill-advised triangular sideburns.
So she presumably drags him off to her quarters and has her way with him. Riker stops by shortly thereafter, surprising her while she’s wearing this little number:
The A/C in the Enterprise was a bit high that day
I don’t like this nightie as much as the one the sexy alien lady wears to seduce Riker, because I don’t do white, and that high neck would look retarded on me, but there is no doubt that Troi looks hotttt with infinity T’s in it. Do you need more proof of her hottness than this slightly nipply pic? Okay:
Once again, Space Boob Tape saves the day
That is some impressive side boob. That is 2010 CW Starlet-Level Side Boob right there. You’re still not convinced? Okay, how about the rear view:
Like two fine Christmas hams, if they even still have Christmas in the 23rd century
Okay, the dress is a little drapey, but you can tell girl has a booty under there.
So Troi has gone a little crazy/sexy/cool. Meanwhile, the mediation is still supposed to be happening, with some extremely boring people conducting it:
I don’t understand how to match colors so I just wear all the same ones
What can brown do for you? Oh, that’s right, nothing, because it’s gross and looks like poop
Even Troi’s patient is boring, and has hair that is only appropriate on Doris Day:
I’m playing football in the holodeck later
But you guys…it’s all going to be okay, because the next thing Troi wears is so deliciously insane that it makes up for that poop outfit times a million.
Please, God, let that be a catsuit
It’s not, unfortunately, a catsuit; it’s a gown along the lines of one of Lwaxana’s, complete with boob window. If Rebecca Romijn as Mystique and Halle Berry at the 2002 Oscars had a baby, and that baby was a dress, I think it might be this dress, and I couldn’t be happier with the result.
She STORMS into Ten-Forward, accusing the mediator guy’s assistant of wanting to bone him, in much the same manner the old lady did to her earlier. And you’ll notice that she’s got some distinguished grey in her updo now:
Bonnie Raitt is a style icon, you know
RE-HEE-HEEEALLLLY? I think I see what is going on here. That “funeral rite” before definitely had something to do with it. We see Troi getting older and older:
Still pretty hot
I don’t really even believe this is Marina Sirtis
All the while, Crusher and Geordi are trying to figure out why the mediator’s “mother” died, and it turns out that:
- she wasn’t his mother
- she wasn’t super old
- she was actually a vessel he used for storing his darker thoughts so that he could more effectively perform mediations
So…that’s bonkers. So Crusher is like “shit, that’s what’s happening to Troi!” and everyone is like “we have to save her!” but before they can, she goes nuts:
Picard-stabbing is punishable by death in 37 star systems
So they cart her off to sickbay and come up with a plan to reverse her aging, which is to fake-kill her, a la Romeo and Juliet aka Teenagers Have Always Been Dumb, Even in Elizabethan Times, and make the mediator pick a new vessel?
So they hook super-old Troi up to some gadgets:
Haircolor: February Snow
This old-age makeup isn’t so bad. That neck is very convincing. She looks like a turkey.
So they end up breaking the link between Troi and the dude and somehow all the bad energy he flowed into her flows back into him or something and he dies and everything is back to normal. The important part is that Troi’s nightgowns look both sexy and comfortable, and I will be getting one, but maybe with a slightly lower neckline and in a different color. So…just a nightgown, I guess.