We saw that the description on our DVR for this episode involved the phrase “unexplained comas.” I would like to apologize to my roommates for the many times I shouted “UNEXPLAINED COMA” during the watching of this episode.
It begins fairly normally, at least for the Enterprise, with Keiko (Keiko!! Yay!) being mentally probed (with permission) by this guy:
The butt cuts are back for fall
Clean-shaven Burl Ives here is a Ullian (pronounced YOU-lee-un, so that’s why it’s “a” and not “an”), a species that has the ability to help people remember latent memories through some sort of mental gymnastics. They also apparently must wear a fancy robe while they do this:
My robe’s name is Snowflake
Here’s a better look at the cutout details:
More holes means easy access, heyyyyyyyy
These robes remind me of this Marchesa gown Rihanna wore to the American Music Awards, a gown I personally loved on her. I couldn’t put my finger on where I’d seen that “I made a snowflake in kindergarten today” look before, but then I googled “fashion cutouts,” which worked like a charm.
Also, Grandma is rocking a fierce headsuit:
Who wants cinnamon rolls
Personally, I feel like once you are super-old like this lady, you can do whatever the fuck you want with your hair, so more power to her. Maybe it helps her mentally probe people, I don’t know. I don’t know her life. All I’m saying is, if I wore that hairstyle, I would look like a hearty German milkmaid/Rhinemaiden of some sort, and that’s not necessarily a look I want to go for.
So Keiko is remembering watching her grandmother paint beautiful characters with an ink brush, with the help of the dad Ullian:
This week on 1990s Fashion Staples: Colorblocking
OMG. You guys. I think Keiko is doing that thing where you take the hem of your shirt and thread it up through the collar to make a crop top, except with another shirt underneath. Can we bring this look back, guys? It was so awesome when I was like 10. Also, never wear yellow again, Keiko.
So that’s all well and good, everyone is impressed with the memory probe, but then we go to transition to the title sequence, and the last shot is this guy, the son of No Beard Burl Ives, with EXTREMELY OMINOUS MUSIC:
Special Skills: Stunt Driving, Basketball, Evil Eye-Giving
I am all for foreshadowing, but this is tantamount to putting a title card on the screen that says “BAD GUY UP IN HERE.”
So everyone has dinner together, including the bad guy:
Glassware provided by Pier 1 Imports
I’ve started to wonder about the need for bartenders/serving people on the Enterprise. If everything is prepared via replicator, couldn’t everyone just “make” their own food? What do the Ten-Forward employees contribute, really? Except those becoming green smocks.
The Ullians talk about their mission – which is to collect memories of many different species – and try to convince the crew of the Enterprise to participate. Crusher looks at Picard like this:
Why don’t YOU get probed, hmmmmmmmm
And he counters with this look:
Woman, you crazy
Overall, the crew is NOT into it, and the Ullians are like “you guys, it’s TOTALLY SAFE! Nothing bad will happen! It’s FIIIIIIIIIINE.” But that discussion is followed with another shot of the son:
The evil hand-rubbing costs extra
Seriously? I guess maybe because the robes are sort of pretty and interesting, they need to make this guy act extra creepy, but it’s overkill. Or so I thought. The creepiness has, in fact, barely even started.
So Troi is getting ready for bed in her sexy PJs:
From Vera Wang (for Kohl’s)
I fucking love this nightgown. It fits her like a dream (no pun intended, but then I didn’t delete it, so pun intended, I guess), it’s a really pretty shade of rosy pink that looks great with her hair and skin, and it looks so, so soft. I have a well-documented pajama issue in which I disrobe in my sleep, so I don’t really wear pajamas to bed, but I do like to lounge in them. I could do some serious lounging in this shit.
Troi, unfortunately, is not lounging: she is REMEMBERING:
THE MEMORY IS REAL
I just think her body looks bangin’ in this shot.
So she’s brushing her hair, and she remembers a time when she and Riker were “hanging out,” if yaknaaaaaameaaaaan, after a poker game:
“Poke her” is a homophone for “poker.” Write your own joke
You can’t see anything super-well in this shot, or really in any of Troi’s memory, since it’s shot using some sort of Vaseline-smeared, foggy memory-cam, but both Troi and Riker are rocking some interesting looks here. Troi has on what appears to be a one-sleeve aubergine chiffon top TUCKED IN to MATCHING high-waisted PANTS. It’s a LOT of look, but with her figure, she can carry it off, and I think she looks really cute. Riker, however, is wearing one of my mom’s maternity blouses from the 80s.
In the memory, they start to make out:
Fog: the sexiest weather occurrence
But soon, Riker is replaced by:
I’m in ur memoriez, rapin ur mind
Eeeeew! No! Take off Riker’s maternity blouse! Wait, don’t! Ew! Gross! Just – get out of my mind!! So he basically rapes Troi in her memory:
Inception did not cover how to handle this situation
And thus Troi is the first to fall into one of the UNEXPLAINED COMAS:
Nightgown: still pretty
At this point, literally everyone on the ship decides that THEY ARE GOING TO BE THE ONE TO SOLVE THE MYSTERY COMAS. Geordi has, like, a 2-hour conversation with the computer about neurotransmitters, Crusher is doing all sorts of tests, and Riker…well, Riker just does some research on his iPhone:
Steve Jobs XVI decided to make the iPhone bigger instead of smaller
He decides that the Ullians, since they are the only variable, must be the cause of the comas. Of course, he’s right, but Bad Guy can’t let him get away with that!
Who, me? Evil? Muhahahaha – I mean, haha
And I can’t let Bad Guy get away with wearing a mock turtleneck topped by an Ace Bandage vest. If it wasn’t clear already that this guy is evil, the mock turtleneck seals the deal. Oh, how I hate them.
So now it’s time for Bad Guy to mind-rape Riker. Of course, he can’t rape-rape him in the mind-rape, because that would be gay, so he finds a suitable memory:
In the future, all memories take place in funhouse mirrors
And, just as with Troi’s memory, Bad Guy inserts himself (ugh, sorry) into Riker’s mind:
Okay, it’s still pretty gay
The DP on this episode must have been really into a) closeups or b) the actor playing the Bad Guy, because we see a lot of shots like this:
This image has not been cropped
For some reason, this makes me think of the cover of a German techno band’s album.
Nst nst nst nst nst nst nst nst nst
I mean, no wonder this happens:
Jetzt schlafen wir
So now we have two down for the count. At this point, Picard gets involved and asks the Ullians if they will agree to be monitored. Grandma thinks it’s ok:
It took her all of her 108 years to learn how to braid
I think she stole that schlumpy dress from Mrs. Sarek. BORRRRRINGGGGG.
The Ullians also suggest the crew take a look at Keiko again, which Crusher does:
Rotten avocado: better or worse than that yellow she had on before?
Oh, Keiko! Kix are for breakfast, not for making a belt out of! You’re so silly.
Keiko is fine, but now Crusher starts to get TOO CLOSE to the TRUTH, so of course she gets mentally invaded:
Beverly Crusher IS Anne Shirley IN Green Gables: Planet of Death
I don’t care for Bev’s hair like that. She’s too blonde, it’s too straight, and I won’t dignify it with any more of a response. And Picard might actually be less sexy with more hair (though “less sexy” for him is still well above average).
Turns out our girl Bev is remembering the time she and JLP had to go identify her late husband’s body. There is a lot of history with these two, far more than I can get into here, so I’ll just say: this is a charged memory. If you know what I mean, you know what I mean, and if you don’t, don’t worry about it. Just know that it is INTENSE. So of course Bad Guy shows up in the memory again:
Really, though, his audition must have just been 45 minutes of evil staring
And as if taking over Picard’s role in the memory wasn’t enough:
Tonight the role of your dead husband will be played by a tall, dark, and sinister ugly man
So it shouldn’t be a surprise when:
At least her hair looks better than in the flashback
There aren’t any more interesting outfits for the rest of the episode, and basically what happens is Troi wakes up, can’t remember a thing, so she agrees to get voluntarily probed, and thinks it’s not Bad Guy who mind-raped her, but Bad Guy’s DAD! He mind-framed him! So the dad is like “no way” and the Bad Guy is like “sorry about my dad,” and Troi is like “no bigs,” but then this dumbass attempts to mind-rape her AGAIN!! And without the dad-framing in place!
Actual dialogue: “You’re so beautiful.”
It was legit creepy. But Troi is ready for it this time and takes care of business:
Take back the night, or possibly day, I never know what time it is on the Enterprise
And then Worf and some other security officers burst in because everyone figured out that it was Bad Guy, and not his dad, all along. I would draw a parallel between this ending and the ending of a certain best-selling novel/movie, but I don’t know how to properly spoiler alert it, since it’s not Star Trek-based, and if I say SPOILER ALERT for [insert name of novel here], then it’s already spoiled, basically. Charlie knows what I mean, and let’s be real, I mostly write these for his amusement.