This episode is so crazy that it prompted my buddy Adam to tell me almost the whole plot, but – SADNESS – he fell asleep before the thrilling conclusion. That 3am showing on G4 is a bitch, man.
Instead of the typical “Captain’s Log” intro, this ep starts with Beverly Crusher’s personal log. The VERY first shot, after the crucial establishing shot of the Enterprise, is this:
Dr. Crusher, please report to my lips
Ooooh, girl! You get up on that hot alien booty! I remember when I first made Adam start watching this show, he was like “they’re in space, but there’s kissing.” That is as accurate a description of this show as I can think of.
Turns out that the sexy alien dude is a highly-skilled negotiator who is brokering some sort of peace treaty between two moon worlds. Once again, a classic plot device on this show. Every episode contains at least two of these:
- someone kisses an alien
- Data learns a thing about humanity
- someone violates the Prime Directive
I’m working on a comprehensive drinking game; your suggestions are welcome.
He gets his hair did at The Mane Event
Here’s a better shot of Odan, the hot alien guy. He’s got some weird face ridges, a favorite “ok, now you’re an alien” method of TNG, but otherwise, he’s pretty good-looking. And that HAIR! He is making his own wind, as Tyra might say. He and Crusher just got busted by Data for making out in the elevator, which is the explanation for her “I just farted” face.
So Crusher manages to get rid of Data:
Androids: the ultimate cock blockers
Look how tightly she is gripping his arm! She wants him OUT of there. But in the meantime, Odan goes back to his quarters, and we see this:
AKA The “I’m Secretly Pregnant” Move
He studies himself in the mirror to reveal:
Congratulations, it’s a parasite
EEEEEWWWWW! That parasite is interrupting your treasure trail, dude. Actually, we are not supposed to know at this point that it’s a parasite in there, but trust: it is a parasite.
But Crusher is still really into him:
Stretch Toga, for your growing parasite needs
I don’t know about you ladies, but I like a man in an outfit that would not look out of place at a Golden Girls theme party.
The biggest gift would be from me
So they’re all googly-eyed and in love and shit, and everyone on the ship is like “dude, we get it.” Odan even pulls a patented Outrageous Okona move:
But on to the diplomacy!
I can’t grow sideburns, so I made some. Yes, I know they’re purple
This lady is the leader of the planet associated with the two warring moons. (She refers to them as “squabbling children” at one point.) First of all, she has a NOSE BRIDGE PIERCING with what appears to be a soda can pop-top. That is hardcore. Second, that boob-belt is PRETTY great, though I don’t understand what purpose it serves at that place on her torso.
But the real star of the show here is that hat. THAT HAT!! It looks like she attached a mini gramophone horn to an Amelia Earhart-inspired pilot’s cap, glued them together, and covered them in purple shit. This is a theme on this world…you’ll see.
But before we see the moon guys, let’s join Crusher in the spa:
Eyemask technology has not changed
I love that they even HAVE a spa on the Enterprise. The Federation is supposed to be some sort of Peace Corps/science organization, but seriously, their ships are like cruises. A couple other things to note in the spa:
Also, haircut cape technology: much the same
That blue guy and Crusher are wearing the same outfit, or at least the same color scheme. At first, I thought this was some sort of Spa Castle situation, in which you are given a uniform when you enter the spa, because why else would Crusher be wearing this:
Shoulderpad technology: also very consistent 400 years from now
That orange is awful on her, and it’s right by her face, too! Bad look. Spas are supposed to make you feel pretty, not washed-out. But then, the chick behind Troi has on a Fly Girl level minidress:
Troi’s face: no comment
That bright yellow! That tight, tight silhouette! Those trompe l’oeil suspenders! It’s all very 90s.
So Odan is like “okay, time to go be a diplomat, see you later, baby”:
Wrist kiss again, Odan? SMOOTH
I would venture to say that a wrist kiss is sexier than a hand kiss. Pulse points, anyone?! Okona, you lose this round.
Picard is like, “cool, you can get beamed down,” and Odan is like “um…not so much into beaming, do you think Riker can drive me?” So they take a shuttlecraft, which OBVIOUSLY gets attacked, and Odan gets hurt and ends up in sick bay. Crusher is like “I think you have a parasite,” and Odan is like “I AM THAT PARASITE.”
I think I felt a kick
Turns out that Odan here is a Trill, which are featured heavily on Deep Space Nine, of which I am
wholly mostly ignorant. Trills are joined beings: they have a host body and a parasite that lives inside them. The parasite is really what’s controlling the host’s personality and intellect. What this means for Crusher is that her sexy alien boyfriend? Is actually this guy:
Shut up you guys, he has a really great personality
Since Odan was injured in the shuttlecraft accident, the parasite part of him must be removed. But OF COURSE, since there is no host body available, Riker volunteers to be the host. Which means Crusher’s sexy alien boyfriend is now:
Stop complaining, Crusher
Everyone is weirded out by this, and to ensure that the aliens don’t think Odan is a Starfleet officer, Riker’s body gets a new ensemble. He does look very nice in blue.
Crusher and Troi hash things out in Ten-Forward, and Crusher is all “What did I fall in love with? Was it his eyes, his hands, his mouth?” Girl, based on how you were interacting with him before, you SURE DID fall in love with those things. And then Riker’s body with Odan inside walks in and looks at her like this:
Keanu Reeves: now giving acting lessons
And she looks at him like this:
Add that to the drinking game: longing (okay, “longing”) looks accompanied by dramatic music. Oh, how they love it.
So the moon people show up to do their diplomacy on the ship, since the whole shuttlecraft thing didn’t go so good.
Is there any more room for me in those hats
I just wonder what’s under those hats. Is it a hat shaped like that? Or is their HEAD shaped like that?? Either way, delightful. And I like a people that knows how to coordinate.
But here is the thing: these guys are representatives from two moons that have colonies established by the people on the main planet. Yet they all dress EXACTLY ALIKE. I can’t even wear the same outfit in Manhattan and New Jersey and feel like I’m fitting in in both places; how they managed to stay consistent across PLANETS is remarkable. However, I want a coat made of that brown nubby fabric.
So Odan, in Riker’s body, is getting sicker and sicker, because a human host isn’t exactly ideal for the Trill symbiont, but he is like “I MUST STOP THIS MOON WAR.” Beverly goes to his quarters to check on him and:
Yup, it was inevitable
This scene is so, so sexy/hilarious. The last two lines are:
Riker’s Body with Odan in it: Beverly, I want you. If you are going to leave, leave now.
Crusher: I’M NOT LEAVING!!!
I tried to find a clip of it, but I accidentally found this instead:
I like how Sebastian pops up randomly in there.
So, presumably, they bone, and the next day, Odan in Riker’s body goes and does the diplomacy, but only after making Bev promise to remove him from Riker’s body before the end of the day, because Riker is getting sicker:
I’d…still hit it
Even though he looks like a zombie here, his blue-on-blue jacket situation still be lookin’ GOOD.
So Beverly removes Odan from Riker, and keeps him in stasis until the new host arrives. Finally, here come the Trill! Oh boy, Bev is thinking…maybe the new host will be EVEN HOTTER than that last one. I can’t wait to find —
Behold, a lady
—jigga-WHAT?! Odan is going to be a chick now?! At least she’s got nice hair. These Trill aren’t super-creative with their outfits, though. “I’m thinking…burgundy. LOTS OF BURGUNDY.”
Star Trek, as is their wont, handles the situation with aplomb, with Beverly explaining, “Perhaps it is a human failing, but we are not accustomed to these kinds of changes. I can’t keep up. How long will you have this host? What would the next one be? I can’t live with that kind of uncertainty. Perhaps, someday, our ability to love…won’t be so limited.”
But you can tell it’s still Odan. How?
Hot girl-on-girl’s wrist action
Okay, my screenshot was a little early and I didn’t notice it until much later when it was too late to take a new one. But Lady Odan kisses Beverly’s wrist just like Dude Odan did. Everyone drink for alien-kissing!