You know you’re in for SOMETHING good when you see our two manliest men strolling around in minidresses in the first shot:
LOUDER, NUMBER ONE
Okay, I took this screenshot while my volume control was still onscreen. GET OVER IT. I don’t have another one. Let’s all just bask in the glory of Picard and Riker, who looks unnaturally tall here, but is just, literally, naturally tall. Mary Quant is pleased with you both, gentlemen, but next time, maybe an opaque stocking? And some knee-high boots? I’m not into transvestites, necessarily, but I’m not not into them, if you know what I mean. (Even I don’t know what I mean.)
So the reason our boys are all fancied up this episode is because Ambassador Sarek (who you may know as Spock’s dad) is visiting the ship to do some embassying. Ambassad…ing. Ambassing. Okay, diplomacy. First, his staff beams aboard:
I’m not illogical, YOU’RE ILLOGICAL
Sarek’s dudes cut a pretty fine figure here, I must say. I don’t know their names, so we’ll call them Brown and Navy. Brown has made an interesting choice by pairing silver with his brown. Not something you see every day, and not totally successful here, since he sort of ended up looking like a festive poo, but I admire his elan. Navy, on the other hand, be lookin’ good. Is that velvet, Navy? That is maybe the least logical fabric to travel in, since it’s easily stained, kind of hot, and has a tendency to attract unwanted petting, but you know what, Vulcan? You look luxurious. And that’s what matters here, in my heart.
So they show up, all shiny and logical, and they are like “Sarek is REALLY OLD, guys, so if he doesn’t want to hang and just wants to diplomat while he’s here, don’t be insulted.” Then Sarek shows up:
She’s got Shi’Kahr fever
Sarek looks pretty good for being, like, 200 years old, right? But let’s talk about Mrs. Sarek (who is a human, not a Vulcan). First of all, that thing on her head reminds me of this book about the middle ages I had when I was a kid, and there was a part in it where they showed how everyone* got dressed in the morning, which OF COURSE was my favorite part, and the ladies totally had a white thing that went on their head like that. But the thing is, they put something OVER that white thing. Because it’s ugly. You can’t just wrap some gauze on your head, throw my grandma’s brooch collection on there and call it a day, girl! I am, however, SERIOUSLY into that huge necklace. That is the kind of necklace I want to wear when I am like 60 and have white hair that I dye turquoise and I say “fuck” all the time but no one can be scandalized because I’m like 60. Also, they are wearing togas:
Full-length togas means you don’t have to shave your legs, score
It turns out that Sarek also enjoys the chunky jewelry, though:
I can lift trucks with my neck because I trained with the NeckMusculator
If they’re not carrying Vulcan quaaludes in those things, I don’t know WHAT could be in there. Then they turn around and these outfits get even better:
They never put these hoods on, for which I don’t blame them, because look at that lining! So shiny! So inexplicable! So…illogical??? OH SNAP!
So Sarek is here to diplomat with some alien race that needs to be in a slime pit to survive, so obviously Geordi and Wesly have to prepare the slime pit. It’s just part of a day’s work in Engineering:
One Fire Island Iced Tea, coming up
I have nothing to say about this, really. It’s a rainbow slime pit. YOU’RE WELCOME.
Picard has arranged a music performance for Sarek and his wife, and even though his staff was like “he’s probably going to be tired,” he totally wants to go. So Mrs. Sarek changes into her formal wear:
Bibs generously provided by Dinosaur BBQ
Wait, what? Girl, that is not a formal outfit. That is your SAME OUTFIT and my mini Christmas tree skirt around your neck.
So they go to the concert, which is a string quartet:
Data, you can do everything, can’t you…except love. BURN
The music is Mozart, because of course they wouldn’t play anything written in the last 300 years. It’s going along nicely, when suddenly:
He stole this move from that
Indian Native American First Peoples Guy commercial
DO YOU SEE THAT?! He is crying! A REAL TEAR! Vulcans don’t cry! There’s no crying on Vulcan!! So everyone is like “whaaaaaaaaat” and Sarek’s staff are like “shiiiiiiiiiit” and also, everywhere on the Enterprise, people are PISSED about stupid shit. Beverly slaps Wesley, Geordi and Wes get in a stupid fight, and this happens:
Don’t worry, Guinan’s hats were safe
A huge fight erupts in Ten-Forward!! It turns out that all the animosity is due to Sarek having some trouble controlling his emotions since he’s super old, and it’s affecting everyone on the ship. That is how intense Vulcan emotions are, guys. SO INTENSE. Probably coming close to my love for sandwiches.
So Riker and Picard are like “shit, so much Vulcan emotion,” and call in Sarek’s guy to consult with them:
I don’t have much to say except: dong window.
This guy isn’t much help, so they go talk to Mrs. Sarek:
You forgot to take your first dress off
Okay, Mrs. Sarek. I get that you think you look amazing in coral. I get that you are traveling and thus need a versatile outfit to take you from day to night, if day and night exist on a starship. But this…thing just doesn’t make any sense. First of all, your whites don’t match. SHAME. Second, that outer dress is not doing a thing for your figure. Your 200-year-old Vulcan husband may be losing his mind, but you can still look good, girl!
The decision is made to do a Vulcan mind-meld between Picard and Sarek so that Sarek can successfully do the rainbow slime pit diplomacy without, like, causing a riot or bursting into tears (or flames). Sarek puts on his mind-meld outfit:
More collar means more diplomacy
I actually rather like this. The asymmetrical collar is interesting, the pants seem like they fit well, and he looks far more businesslike in this than the toga from earlier. I mean, it’s a teeny-tiny bit “Ellen DeGeneres in the Future,” but I think he’s working it.
So Sarek is all good for the diplomatting, but Picard…well, Picard is erupting with all of Sarek’s stored up emotions. First they do the mind-meld:
It’s not gay if it’s with a Vulcan
That ring holds the rest of their Vulcan quaaludes.
After the mind-meld is complete, Picard is basically trapped in a room, experiencing every emotion. Like, every one:
This whole post was just an excuse for these screenshots
This is only about 1/3 of the shots I took during this sequence. Thank god the clip is available on YouTube.
Since nothing is greater than that clip, I’ll just end here.
*including the knights, which may explain my fascination with chain mail