Yes, it’s a cop-out to fashion-blog an episode involving Lwaxana Troi. But she’s just so amazing! This is actually one of her more subdued episodes, but still. Girl knows how to dress.
The episode opens with Picard looking wary:
Something is…terribly wrong on my starship
He can sense her presence, like how dogs know when a hurricane is coming or how that one coworker of mine always seems to drift in when there’s cake.
Look at the dejection on his face. “I can’t escape,” he’s thinking. “I’m the captain, I have to go down with the ship. Maybe I can just blow us ALL up.” I don’t really get why he’s not into her – she’s foxy, has nice tatas, and likes to have a good time. She can get a little crazy occasionally, but she’s got a soul, man! In any event, she is wearing a typically bananas Lwaxana outfit, except for the fact that her breasts are completely covered. Double-covered, even!
He is trying SO HARD not to laugh
This is, to be honest, not one of her better looks. The teal is a nice color, but it looks like it’s made of that “velvet” that cheap, prepackaged Halloween costumes are made of. (Side note: isn’t “deluxe Spartan” an oxymoron?) And that gold/grey one-boob harness is neither flattering nor functional. I do like the idea of one gold sleeve, though. And that earring! I don’t know much about auto repair, but I’m pretty sure that’s a whole carburetor.
Later, they discussed what sort of jewelry polish they liked best
I also enjoy greatly when Lwaxana interacts with Worf, whom she calls “Woof,” because they are opposites in some ways – she is frivolous, he is stern; she wears wigs, he wears ridges – but in many ways, they’re similar. The Klingons are by no means a dispassionate people – they’re always fighting or fucking, it sounds like – and Lwaxana is definitely a very passionate lady. Also they both like bling.
But check out that bustle! Setting aside the fact that she clearly cobbled this outfit together from a going-out of business Michael’s, since that bustle is made from the widest raffia I’ve ever seen, I do like that bustle. I just wish the whole thing were in better colors and fabrics. Here’s a back shot, just for shiggles:
My milkshake brings all the boys to the bridge
So Lwaxana is here. But we must have another guest star, right? Well, we do:
Be our guest
OMG COGSWORTH! Okay, I know his name isn’t Cogsworth, but I will always think of him that way. And yes, I know he was on M.A.S.H., but I am not of that time. Cogsworth it is. Jerry Orbach, on the other hand, I will always think of as either Lenny Briscoe or Baby’s Dad, Who Does Not Put Her in the Corner. So David Ogden Stiers here is an alien (as denoted by his weird head, which we will see more of later) from a planet that’s about to be consumed by their sun in like 40 years. He’s on the Enterprise to go to a DIFFERENT sun to see if this scheme he’s cooked up to save THEIR sun is going to work. It involves shooting things into the sun, but let’s not dwell on details. Let’s talk about that top!
Our boy DOS is a big dude, but this fits him pretty nicely, which is more than I can say for some outfits we’ve covered. Those black squares aren’t really that flattering, though – they kind of make him look wider than he is in the belly-region. But he’s still pretty adorbs…and Lwaxana thinks so too. She asks him out on a date, like, the second he materializes in the transporter room.
But what to wear on your date??
If he tries to cop a feel, his hand gets sliced off
The fact that she holds this dress up to see if she wants to wear it but DOES NOT IN FACT WEAR IT is one of the great disappointments of my life. Worse than the Christmas when my aunt gave me a box for a really sweet-looking CD player and inside were thick socks. Worse than the time I thought I was going to see Dumb and Dumber but my friend read the movie times wrong and we had to go see The Brady Bunch Movie instead.* If ONLY we had gotten to see her in this dress. Do you see that neckline? It looks like a medieval torture device as reimagined by Alexander McQueen (RIP, homeboy). This would have been glorious. But let’s not be sad. I think we should just be thankful for the time we do have with this dress.
I think she must have a personal cargo hold just for dresses
Then there’s this green thing, which makes little to no sense as a dress, but is made of very pretty fabric. Mr. Homn, her dedicated manservant, appears to have refashioned one of her old pieces into a garment for himself – usually we see him mainly in neutral solids, but he is TEARING IT UP here. It takes a brave man to wear a sleeve that pleated AND in that burnt orange/teal combo previously seen only on Dolphins fans and your Aunt Muriel, who lives on a ranch in Taos.
What I want to know is, when Lwaxana has these options at her disposal, why she chooses this number:
I’m so sorry…that my dress is terrible
Ok, it’s not, like, awful, but in comparison to Iron Maiden Couture and Peacock Shimmery Thing up there, it is sort of boring. Also, it has a Friendly Plastic bustier and water wings attached to it, which is neither flattering nor comfortable, I imagine. I guess Lwaxana is dressing with higher necklines for this dude because she really likes him and doesn’t just want to hit it. I kind of get that, but let’s be rull here: a little cleave never hurt anyone. Except when I got catcalled by a construction worker and he fell off a beam and died.
However, the Friendly Plastic bustier seems to do it for DOS, because they kick it back to his quarters:
His head is actually a map of Arizona
I just like it when someone other than the usual suspects get to make out.
Ribbed for her pleasure
So they kiss for a while and the next time we see them, they’re pajama-ed. Put this one down in the “definitely boned” column. These PJs look pretty cool, but I can’t imagine they’re very nice to sleep in, unless you like being swathed in tatami mats, which, based on that time I was kidnapped by the Japanese Mafia, I personally do not.
The Orinoco Robe: So Flowy
Lwaxana’s PJs (or possibly DOS’s, I can’t really tell) look much softer.
So then some douche from DOS’s planet calls on the video phoooooooooone:
Transparent Plastic Cubes are so NOW
First of all, that video phone is just, like, a 1986 Toshiba TV. Second, this guy’s name is Terrence E. McNally, not to be confused with the real Terrence McNally, though I was REALLY hoping it was him when I saw his name in the credits. Third, this guy is like “DOS, you need to come meet your OBLIGATIONS at home, and if you don’t you’ll be SHUNNED,” all while wearing a black-on-black version of DOS’s outfit from before. Man, this planet is boring. I kind of hope they DO get consumed by their sun.
So this whole time, DOS and Geordi and some other people have been trying to see if this idea they have to save DOS’s planet’s sun will work by testing it on another sun. Apparently DOS has an outfit just for sciencing:
I just really like blue, is all
This is a little better than the squares, but it does give him a little bit of moob that I don’t think he actually has. That fancy Atari logo in the middle is not doing him any favors.
So they do the test and they are like “it’s working!!” and then they are like “oh shit, no, it’s not working” and then they are like “ok seriously, it’s really not working” and the sun they are testing it on EXPLODES. Not ideal. So they hightail it out of there and the douche in the Toshiba is like “well, I guess you better come home and take care of your obligations” and Lwaxana is like “what ARE these obligations anyway?” and DOS is like “oh, everyone on our planet commits ritual suicide at the age of 60 and I’m 59 and 7/8.”
I haz a sad because my boyfriend has to kill himself
So that sucks, kind of, but they do have kind of a great scene in re: end of life/dignity issues. But we’re here to talk about dresses, not death. Lwaxana is back (mostly) to her usual stuff, in luxurious fabrics, but again with the high collar!
Old People Prom must be fun
And she does know how to rock a ballgown. If you’re going to go ballgown, go full ballgown, is what I always say.
So DOS is like “I have to go, IT’S MY CULTURE” and Lwaxana is like “Picard, stop him!!” and Picard is like “I can’t because of the Prime Directive, like that ever stopped us before” and DOS is like “no one else can save my planet! I’m staying here instead of performing ritual suicide” and his planet is like “SHUN SHUN SHUN” and then his daughter comes up to get him to come back:
Brows by Bobbi Brown, Hair by Dunkin’ Donuts
She is giving me some serious Shannyn “Changed the Spelling of my Name in Seventh Grade” Sossamon here. Also: she has a cruller on her head.
Updated to add:
My sources, who are not only thorough at research but also attractive, tell me that this is Michelle Forbes, AKA Ensign Ro!! We love Ensign Ro. I didn’t recognize her without the nose ridges.
This is the first time we see a lady from DOS’s planet, and guess what they wear. Jumpsuits!
Jump! For my love and/or ritual suicide
Please. Deanna Troi’s everyday jumpsuit is cuter than this. Take your ritual suicides and go back to your doomed planet. Keep rocking that hair, though.
In the end, DOS decides that the traditions of his planet are more important than continuing his work, and Lwaxana realizes she has to respect that. It’s pretty sweet, actually.
Brown velvet: the fabric of respecting other cultures’ rituals
So she goes down to his “Resolution” with him, wearing a very regal brown velvet cape/muumuu. This more somber Lwaxana was fine for one episode, but I’m glad we’ve got her crazy self in other ones too.
*Dumb and Dumber must really have been out in theaters for a long time, because it was released like 2 months before The Brady Bunch Movie