White after Labor Day? Tsk
This episode begins with a fencing match. Picard and his opponent, Officer Some Dude, are wearing the traditional white fencing outfits (so colored because in the olden days there would be soot or colored dye placed on the tip of the sword to help judges determine where the touches had gone). Pretty basic, it seems. They get a little more glamorous, though, upon closer inspection:
Michael Jackson only wishes his single glove were this fabulous
It’s the fanciest dishwashing glove ever! j/k, I know it’s for protection. But look at that material! It’s almost as shiny as Picard’s head! And then we get to see a little more of the suit itself on the bridge:
Repurposed from Liz Taylor’s White Diamonds ad
SO SPARKLY!! SO SHINY!! Except it really doesn’t look like it breathes too well, though I suppose in the future, every fabric has been designed to wick away moisture and self-clean and give you a full-body massage whenever you want. In the future, even satin breathes well.
The thing is that this fencing has nothing at all to do with the rest of the episode. The rest of the episode is dealt with dealing with some sort of “time blip” in which everyone on the ship experiences sort of a skip in time, where a few seconds repeat themselves for no apparent reason. Then they get a pre-recorded distress call from some scientist who was studying time travel, a fact that Picard knows because said scientist married his old girlfriend! Oh, this is gonna be rich.
So Troi is like “Captain, I am sensing strong emotions from you,” because this is a first-season episode and literally every line ever said by Troi starts with “I am sensing…” So she recommends he go to the Holodeck to deal with his shit before they go rescue this fool that stole his girl.
Picard tells the Holodeck to recreate the cafe in which he was supposed to have met up with said girl 22 years ago. This is where the real fashions in this episode start:
Putting the gay in Gay Paree
First we’ve got the maitre d’. I can’t tell if that outfit is a jumpsuit or separates, but either way, it makes him look like a third-rate futuristic Erik Estrada impersonator. Something about that khaki, plus his hair, is reading really CHiPs to me.
Then we’ve got Puffy Mauve Shirt back there playing what appears to be a Bong Organ. Yes, that is a musical instrument. If I knew how to make gifs, I could show you that this instrument is basically a handjob practice device, though somehow I’m pretty sure that guy does not need any more practice on that front.
Are you ready for some FASHIONNNNN
This lady has a one-sleeved dress on, a currently waning trend I happen to despise, and has apparently deflated a Detroit Lions commemorative football and stuck it to the side of her head.
Seriously guys what season is it
What I like to imagine here is that Blondie was like “Hey, Brunette, meet me for an important Liz Claiborne-related business meeting later,” and Brunette was like “I better put on my best backless Business Outfit,” but then Blondie realized how many hot guys hang out at this cafe, and decided to go with Disheveled Laura Ashley Milkmaid instead, because nothing says “do me” like a ruffle on your bicep.
On the real though, I would wear both of these outfits. Except for the fact that the pink thing is TWO PIECES (well, four if you count the bicep ruffles as separate pieces):
The fabric shortage is having long-lasting effects on how much of my breasts are showing
See that? That is a crop top. It’s barely a crop top, even; it’s more like a couple of napkins from a wedding at the Sheraton in Oshkosh.
Okay, so all of this happens before the second commercial break. We haven’t even met the scientist or his wife, Picard’s ex, yet. But here they come, transported directly to sick bay:
If you get injured time traveling, can’t you just go back and fix it?
I had one thought when I saw this, the first shot of Dr. and Mrs. Time Travel: what is that thing she is wearing?! And where can I get one?! (Note: I changed my tune pretty quick, but my initial reaction was one of covetous…ness.) This episode doesn’t have a whole lot in the way of fashion – this pretty much wraps it up, right here, but this silver jumpsuit is SO GLORIOUS that it is worth at least 4 Romulan Square Jackets and a Guinan’s hat. Let’s break it down:
Stop: phaser time
First of all, this shit has Hammer pants, another currently-waning (I hope) trend that I despise. But these are first-gen Hammer pants, which somehow makes them slightly more palatable than the ones I see on girls on the street. Back in 1988, they just didn’t know any better.
Don’t have a cowl, man
Second, this voluminous front, complete with cowl neck. Now, I have no problem with a nice cowl, but I consider the point of cowls to be to show more cleavage than you could with another neckline. This cowl does no such thing, AND gives her lopsided-looking boobs. No good.
Oh shit, we forgot to make the back – quick, staple this on
Third, this is not the back of a shirt. This is a mini-cape.
Side boob is still boob, just be happy you got to see anything
And lastly, there is some serious side boob happening, mostly due to the lack of back of this jumpsuit. I would really like to see a pattern of this outfit, but I suspect it is just a bunch of drawings of unicorns jumping over rainbows and the words “cowl” and “2 legit” and “shiny shiny shiny” written all over them. It’s just a mercy that Michelle Phillips (yes, that Michelle Phillips) is so pretty, because the jumpsuit is really not her friend here.
The rest of the episode is mostly the crew trying to figure out what’s going on with the time blips, which make it possible for this shot to happen:
DOUBLE HANDSOME (and Data) (sorry Data)
If all we got out of this episode was this shot and Bong Organ, I would have been happy.