Cost of Living – 5.20

I feel a little bit like any episode involving Lwaxana Troi, mother of sexy counselor Deanna Troi and fashion icon of Betazed, is kind of a cheap shot on this blog. You KNOW girl is gonna be fierce. But in this episode, she teams up with Worf’s son Alexander (cutest Klingon ever, y/y?) to create something extra-magical.

So our two plotlines are one about some sort of space termite or something chowing down on the Enterprise, and Lwaxana Troi’s upcoming nuptials to some ambassador or other that she’s never met. Let’s get this out of the way: space termites are BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-RINGGGGGGGGGGG. And you know those guys aren’t going to eat the Enterprise anyway: Geordi figures something out with fake science, and it’s all good. So let’s focus on the A plot (I think it’s the A plot…in my heart, it is, at least): Alexander and Lwaxana.

Alexander, for the uninitiated, is Worf’s son with a HOTT Klingon lady who died, so L’il Klingon came to live on the Enterprise.

Kidz Kevlar is RADICAL

Like any good Klingon, he appears to be ready for some sort of battle with that hard-looking breastplate thing. Also, I am obsessed with the fact that he and Worf have the same hair. Cute.

So then Lwaxana rolls up. Okay. I don’t know about you guys, but I like to look at least a little nice when I travel. I’m not saying I’m wearing a ballgown on a transcontinental flight, I’m just saying I might meet a handsome stranger who’s also going to Seattle, and I want to look my best. Plus, dresses are way more comfortable than pants on a plane, no lie. Also, three words: Mile. High. Club. I won’t say any more on that.

But Lwaxana, as is her wont, takes traveling – in this case, transporting – to a new level of GLAMOUR:

I don’t care how many brocades have to die, you get me that dress

Bright purple leggings: check. Crazy patterned turtleneck: check. 85,000 yards of gold and burgundy curtains? Check. You got yourself an outfit goin’. But wait, as the late Billy Mays used to shout, THERE’S MORE:

I guess it’s more like 95,000 yards of curtain

She busted out a goddamn OBI up in there. Bitch is serious.

So she meets Alexander, who is learning about DUTY, because Klingons are really into that, but she wants him to be a kid and have fun, so they start hanging out. I don’t know how you guys like to dress when YOU hang out with a 9-year-old Klingon child…

Her memoir is totally going to be called Window to my Breasts

…but I like to look like a 24th-century version of Ann-Margret’s character in Newsies. What do you think she keeps in that pouch on the left side? I bet it’s candy. Candy or space cocaine.

Lwaxana tells Alexander that they are going to go to this great place where everyone is happy and they just chillax all day long. Naturally, this is in the Holodeck, which miraculously does not try to kill anyone. This is where shit starts to get weird.

Fun Fact: Robin Williams was originally tapped for the part of Terrifying Disembodied Bubble Checkerboard Head

The first thing you see when you enter the Fun Zone* is this head. He determines if you are lighthearted enough to come in? Or something? All I know is his face looks like it’s covered in gum. That does not sound fun.

Her hips do not lie

Then there’s this lady, whose look is really functional for his/her job, which is:

They call me Mojoceratops because I got the mojo…and a weird head

BREATHING FIRE!! Now that is what I call fun. I can’t really tell if that aqua leopard-print looking situation on her neck and arms is part of her outfit or part of her body, but either way, I am SUPER into it.

Then there are these clowns:

The blonde Afro wigs were two-for-one at Halloween Express

I guess I can stop wondering what would happen if the Green Bay Packers were purchased by Cirque du Soleil.

We don’t even need helmets anymore, coach

In addition to the circus folk, there’s also a wise prophet-like guy:

The trouble with tribbles is that they used them for my wig

Moses complex, much? Nice robe.

There’s more entertainment:

Pastel Mystique is not as intimidating as regular Mystique

So everyone is straight chillin’ in the Fun Zone, taking mud baths:

Two chalk smoothies, coming up

This is a little weird, to be taking a naked mud bath with your little friend, but the whole point of this episode is that Lwaxana is a free spirit, and cannot be tamed! Outside the Fun Zone, you see, the Ambassador or whatever that she is going to marry is being kind of a dick and asking for a pre-nup and stuff, but the WORST thing is that he insists she wear a wedding dress. Thing is, on Betazed, you get married NUDE. So there is some strife associated with that, but Lwaxana relents and tries on this little number:

I didn’t know London Fog made a silver trench

This is the most covered up she’s ever been in her life. So many buttons! Such a high collar! Such a bustle! Mr. Homn (her manservant) is like “I can’t see your bosoms…I’m confused.” That said, I think the cut is flattering and she looks pretty classy. Can we take a closer look at that wig?

Thousands of grandmas want this look

Country singer + my voice teacher in high school + some sort of manga = this hair. I’m actually really into it, in a way? My friend Kristy did a silvery pompadour like this a few years ago (before the current silver hair trend, thankyouverymuch), and it looked pretty bomb-ass in real life.** And if there are two people who can carry off this look, it’s Kristy and Lwaxana Troi.

So she’s about to get married, and she is talking with her little buddy (as most women of a certain age do before they get married), and he asks her, “Are you very old?” in that way that kids do when they don’t really have any sense of how old “old” is, and she just says: “I’m alone, Alex.” And it’s this really sweet, sad moment:

For a second, she starts to soften. Just for a second. And then she goes back to being determined to marry this dude who is clearly going to be a dick to her, just because she’s scared to be alone. It’s actually really touching.

But enough with all this gay talk about feelings. Back to the clothes:

Illusion netting: always in style

Here Lwaxana is back in her normal element, looking like an old-west saloon wench. And even better: girl rolls up to the wedding NUDE. Needless to say, the jackass she was supposed to marry is NOT having any of that, so he peaces out, and she stays single and relaxes in the Fun Zone with Alexander, Troi, and Worf. Sadly, these screencaps were lost in a tragic screencap accident, but rest assured that the sight of Worf in a mud bath is hilarious.

*okay, it’s really called the Parallax Colony, but that sounds less fun than “Fun Zone.” For an example of parallax, I refer you to the scene in Wayne’s World where he is looking at Cassandra saying “Camera 1. Camera 2. Camera 1. Camera 2.”

**note: real life = Brooklyn

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