I probably would have never grabbed this episode out of the batch if it hadn’t been for the suggestion of fellow Gossip Girl watcher Deborah, who I ran into serendipitously at BAM earlier this afternoon (xoxo!). Needless to say, I went right home and punched up the ep, and whoo-boy, this one was fashion-tastic! There’s a lot happening here, so let’s dive right in:
The $2 summary: the ep is told from the POV of Data, who’s recording a message for a posatronic cybernetecist at Starfleet who wants to study Data’s brain or something. It happens to be the day that Keiko and Miles are getting married (read: DRAMZ!) and also, the Enterprise is on a SECRET MISSION for this Vulcan ambassador that involves Romulans and goes bananas. That’s basically it. Now onto the fashion.
To ease our way into things, there are some dubious decisions made about Keiko’s outfit. She apparently is an old friend of Data’s, and Data is the one who introduced her and Miles (never knew that, but ok). The ep starts, and Keiko, who is some sort of botanist (that I did know), is like “I DON’T WANT TO GET MARRIED ANYMORE.” However, becuase she’s Japanese, apparently she’s required to wear ethnically appropriate garb, i.e., kimono and chopsticks in her hair:
This next pic doesn’t come directly after, but Data later goes back to try and talk her back into getting married, and she’s actively gardening at this point, and yet, still dressed like a Japanese peasant.
I think those are coveralls that are SEWN INTO her shirt. The future is a scary place.
Okay, brief interlude (because this is a “Day Aboard the Enterprise” type episode: Data goes to see Geordi at the Starfleet barber, a.k.a., this guy:
Really I just love this barber’s outfit. And Geordi’s hair. What, LeVar, didn’t want to rock the full Kid’n’Play?
Meanwhile, in the background of this scene, some weird Alien who has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PLOT gets her hair changed by FUTURISTIC MAGIC because this is the FUTURE.
It’s nice to see that even in the 24th Century, the hairstylists still look pretty gay. Haaay hairstylist!
So eventually the wedding is back on and Data needs to learn how to dance. Crusher teaches him for a while, but she just wears her regular starfleet uniform, which, to be fair, looks pretty weird on her when she’s not wearing her huge, shoulder-padded doctor’s coat. But then Crusher gets called away to deliver a baby, and Data has to get the holodeck to give him a dance partner, and BOY did the holodeck bring it!
With all that back-lighting it’s hard to tell what’s going on, but one thing we can talk about is that totally see-through, uh, dress thing? Also, it’s impressive how big asymmetrical hair is on the Enterprise. Fortunately, we get a better look in a second:
Yowza, Data! Looks hot! Let’s see what Data thinks:
Okay, well, now I’ll never sleep again ever.
Anyway, the main “conflict” in this ep is that the ambassador they’ve picked up is a BITCH to everyone which you can totally tell by the way she dresses:
That’s right, Data, you’re saying with your face what everyone’s thinking: WHAT. THE. FUCK. is she wearing?
It doesn’t get any better under that purple, tassled traffic cone she’s wearing on her head:
AAAAAA! What the fuck is that? I don’t even know what to say about any of it. Also, what’s going on with her neck. WHAT IS HAPPENING?
Fortunately, it turns out *SPOILER ALERT* that she’s actually a Romulan spy. I’d like to think that this means she’d be able to upgrade some of her fashions, but since she’s a Romulan spy, it almost definitely means some sort of puffy-sleeved downgrade.
Yup. Man, talk about outfits that rob women of all their femininity. Well, at least she seems to be working the look a little bit. WORK!
The episode wraps up with Keiko and Miles’ wedding. Again, the 24th century is a place where people have abandoned their preconceived stereotypes and… oh wait, here’s Keiko’s wedding outfit:
I think my sister once wore something like this when she was 4 and got into the cabinet where my mom kept all of the wrapping paper and ribbons. Literally, what the fuck is going on on her head/hat thing? Let’s pull back:
So SHINY. I feel like they were trying to go for Space Silk but instead came away with the kind of material that easter baskets come wrapped in. I’m surprised that she didn’t crackle all the way to the altar (though they probably could have edited that out in post). Finally, she turns around:
Yep. Giant bow and a rait-tail. I’m pretty sure that bow makes another appearance in one of those holiday car commercials where people come outside and the car in the driveway has a giant bow on it. YOU ARE A CAR, KEIKO.
Lastly, because I made such a brazen statement in my last post about Troi’s weird asymmetrical neckline, that it never appears anywhere, else, it turns up in this episode, complete with BOOB SHOT:
As it turns out, there’s a type of membership at BAM called the DOUBLE BAM. I think we’ve found a good visual representation of the DOUBLE BAM, amirite or amirite?
There was a sweet moment at the end where the captain goes to see the baby that was born during the episode, and the baby is all cute and shit, and the captain is like, “Data, this baby is amazing,” and then he looks down at the baby and says, “Welcome aboard.” I’ll admit, I got a little choked up.
Aight folks. Until next time.