“Oh my god,” said my roommate when I got home one night. “You HAVE to watch the episode of Star Trek that’s on the DVR…Picard goes on a vacation to this planet, because the crew like forces him to, and Riker asks him to bring back this totem or something, but it turns out that the totem is some sort of sex beacon, and all these ladies keep coming up to Picard like ‘Do you want some shuk shock shuka,’* which they never SAY is sex, but you KNOW is sex, and then there are some time-traveling aliens. It’s really good.”
She was right – it was really good. It’s, obviously, a Picard-centric episode, and there ain’t nothing wrong with that. So: Picard is majorly stressed out and Riker and Troi conspire to get him a vacation (and in the case of Riker, get him laid. Number One? Number One Wingman is more like it! Up top!!).
So Picard puts on his fancy vacation shirt:
“I may only have knife pleats on half my shirt, but I am twice as sexy”
And heads off to the resort planet of Risa, where we see him reading Ulysses on the pool deck in what is certainly the best outfit ANYONE HAS EVER WORN:
“Please, I’m trying to read literature, don’t distract me with your green, green pants”
That is some 24th-century James Bond shit right there. LOOK AT THOSE RACING STRIPES. (I don’t want to talk about what that Ferengi is wearing. Let’s focus on the good here.) Picard is all annoyed that all these ladies are like “hi, let’s bone please,” but then after he hides the totem Riker asked him to pick up, it stops. Honestly, he ain’t need no totem. Look at them thighs. Dag, yo.
The boy-cut Speedo is great, don’t get me wrong, but I actually almost more enjoy the asymmetrical shorty bathrobe that tops it. Let’s get a better look:
“I keep my gummi bears in my left pocket, and my secrets in my right”
This is the kind of robe that, in a 1980s teen sex romp, would be worn by the comic relief friend character when he discovers that the really cool chick he met at the pool the other day is actually super old, like, 30 or something, and is married! So he borrows her shorty robe and falls out a second-story window, with hilarious results. How, then, can Picard pull this off with such aplomb? NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW.
Picard and this chick Vash (kind of an awesome name, y/y?) need to find some crystal or something and give it to some time-traveling aliens. Since they’re on a resort planet, everyone is just dressed to go in the pool at all times, except all the ladies also have a chiffon robe:
“Nuh uh, girl, you did not just tell me this swimsuit makes my boobs look flat”
That cutout is incredible. There is something about fashion that is so very unflattering that I sort of enjoy. Like “guess what, bitches, this is what I’m wearing DEAL WITH IT.”
So then Vash is like, “oh I have a map to get to some cave where this thing we are looking for is, put on your spelunking outfit”:
“Spelunking means we need flowing white pirate shirts, right?”
Good thing Picard’s vacation wardrobe includes jodphurs. You never know when you’re going to need to ride a horse or spelunk.
So they go to the cave and they end up having to dig for the thing they’re looking for (but not before getting it on in the cave, heyyyyyyyyy):
“This cowl neck somehow makes me look more masculine”
That shirt looks like it is made out of some sort of alien silk. I bet it’s the softest thing anyone’s ever felt.
So they find the crystal or whatever and the time-traveling aliens are like “that belongs to us, we know it because we’re from the future” and Picard is all “how do I know you’re from the future” and like BLOWS UP THE CRYSTAL using the fucking TRANSPORTER (with Number One Wingman’s help). So then vacay is over, but not before one last luxurious top:
“Make sure the communicator doesn’t ruin my alien silk”
So flowing. It’s almost like he’s trying to replace the hair he doesn’t have on his head with hair-fabric in the form of SO MANY YARDS OF SHIRT. Picard, you silly goose: you don’t need no hair. You fine anyways. Especially in a shorty bathrobe.
*it was actually more like jahamarron